Numbers... Utterly, Meaningless Numbers

Damn you, Tom Cruise!!  Why must you make movies that don't suck?!  I want to hate you, I really do.  But MI4 was actually GOOD.  I can't think of too many movies that have made my ass clench in the past couple of years.  The stunts were awesome.  I walked out thinking, "Hmph... now I hope they make an MI5."  NO!!!  Anyway...

As I sat in the cafe today, I came to a realization about yesterday and the shitty mood that captured me.  I asked myself, "What's different about today, a relatively good day, that wasn't there yesterday?"  I boiled everything down and took a look at what was left at the bottom of the pot.  It had very little to do with moving.

In the back of my mind yesterday, I was reminding myself of something - it was my 30 day mark.  Today is my actual anniversary date and I got my chip at the meeting tonight, but yesterday was the 30 day hit.  I honestly thought it was moving and money that had me all wound up.  Yet today, with no relative change in the moving or money situation, I felt more at ease again.  I woke up thinking, Day 31... over the first hurdle.  I saw things a little clearer today.  I remembered simple things.  I get paid today.  I move Sunday and have Monday off, giving me plenty of time to take it easy and organize the way I'd like.  I've got friends who are willing to help me out and a ton of meetings this weekend to preoccupy my mind.  I'll see friends, family, my son, and I even left work early today to see a movie.  I also saw someone tonight who I'd been worried about for some time.  She went AWOL like I did and I hate to see other people stumble.  I genuinely appreciated those bonds today.

It happens each time and I forget each time.  This is a damn good reason to stay clean and make it a year - so I don't have to relive these speed bumps in early sobriety.  30 days, 60 days, 90 days... they all seem to have their own associated emotions.  But they can't really, can they?  Every day has its ups and downs, some more downs than ups and vice versa.  But relatively speaking, they should be the same if I'm following that "24 hour" guideline, right?

Somewhere along the line, probably when I first entered AA, an association was made.  I heard from others that each mark was a "hump".  Not feeling well?  Eh, it's just the 30 day hump.  Anxious?  60 day hump.  Ready to give up?  90 day hump.  And if you're having a hard time on day 48?  Oh, well you're nearing your 60 day mark, so that must be it!

I find it stupid the things we'll confabulate (I love that word) to justify our irrational behavior.  Yesterday was a down day, period.  I should view it as such and as nothing more.  By associating the day with my length of sobriety, I'm setting myself up for more bad days and bad weeks, especially if you start adding in ranges.  Where do you stop?  So from days 50 through 70, I can rationalize my crappy mood by saying I've got the 60 Day Blues?  I think that's a cop-out, blaming my emotions on a make-believe number or mark.  It's a way of telling myself that whatever I have bringing me down doesn't need to be worked on because, eventually, it'll pass.  True, it'll pass, but I won't be better for it unless I DO something about it!  Face it head-on!  Letting time take care of it is just a way to disassociate and repress what I'm feeling.  "Don't bother thinking it out.  It'll be over within a few days!"

Again, I have to disagree with a few AAers about something.  To the guy who told me, almost every other day, that the good times will pass, along with the bad - I couldn't disagree with you more.  Look, I'm sorry, but that's wrong!  I know why it's said, but it's just plain wrong!  It's like I said about Christmas Eve - every day has the potential to be great and it's usually my mindset that makes it take a turn for the worse.  I wish I could push all of this 30 day, 60 day, 90 day stuff out of my head and simply enjoy my days as a lifestyle.  Every single minute should be worth living to its fullest.  WE can make them all great!

30 days, 60 days, 90 days... I relapsed and now it's like setting the clock back.  I have to remind myself that I am NOT starting over.  I did some number crunching - I spent 11% of this past year drinking, which means 89% I was working things well.  Why am I so damned focused on that 11%?  Shouldn't I be proud of the 89% instead?  For an alcoholic, 89% is a freakin' miracle.  Still, I would like to increase that.  I've always been a fan of the A+...

But there I go, putting importance in numbers again. =/