Two Riders Were Approaching... a Starbucks

(My apologies to Bob Dylan and Jimi Hendrix.)

Two riders dismounted today and discussed their elephants.  For three hours.  Three, profound hours.

I'd be remiss if I didn't use the word 'profound'.  It was one of the best therapy sessions I've had in three years, punched into three hours, and there was so much more to say.  Here was a woman who I haven't seen since college, basically, and it felt like we had never missed a beat.  Thankfully, it was not someone who shared the same physical compulsions, but someone who clearly understood the deeper issues and could grasp the raw emotions of the condition.  I can't write all about it now... there's simply too much.  My mind is still spinning as I try to sort it all out.

Ah, some of you want to know about the party, first.  Um... yeah, it wasn't easy.  I'm grateful this evening that I work with someone who shares my nerd passions, because it allowed us to work while the craziness ensued in the office.  The day began with Mimosas, whiskey balls and gummy bears.  Oh, you poor, helpless, gooey, vodka-filled gummy bears.  It was all so perverse.  I felt bad for them.... so bad for them that I could not bring myself to eat said vodka-filled gummy bears.  If someone tried that with sour patch kids, I might have a melt down.  Look, even I have a limit, believe it or not.  I don't want to be a downer and this actually has nothing to do with my problems.  I just don't think it's entirely professional to bring vodka-soaked gummies into the workplace.  I'm okay with the booze, but... really?  Pretty sure that I and my coworker were the only people doing anything productive in the office.  The only thing I had a tough time with, which surprised me, was seeing people walking around with glasses of scotch.  That was MY drink during my divorce and something bit me on the back of my neck when I saw it.  Maybe it was more of a nibble.  It made me think nostalgically on the entire ordeal and I 'wanted' a glass.  I didn't 'need' a glass, though, did I?  And so my willpower kicked in and said, "Um, no pal.  Keep being nerdy."  I listened.

It certainly was a good time, though.  Ugh, the foooooood!!!  So much damn food!  All of it was incredible.  A few people came to work simply to continue drinking from the night before and their hangovers looked pretty awful.  I don't miss that, although I haven't had a hangover in years and years.  I never got hangovers... because I was always drunk in the morning.  A friend of mine quips, "If you woke up with a hangover, then it meant you didn't drink enough the night before."  Indeed.  By 1:30, I had enough of the internal bickering between ego and id and left for my coffee 'date'.

The meetings have been great lately and I'm so glad to be back with my therapist, but I NEEDED this (one of our topics... need vs. want).  It was a victory just getting together.  I'm such a massive isolationist and haven't been able to express myself for years, so I am a good one for making plans and then canceling at the last minute.  My intentions are pure - I really do want to get together with my friends - yet I chicken out at the 11th hour (good game, by the way).  Anyway, she made me see things in ways that I hadn't considered and I can't express how thankful I am for it.

For example, A Million Dollars Worth of Validation... she questioned me on it.  My therapist said that the support I was seeking from family was like "asking someone with a buck in his pocket for a million dollars."  My friend, however, asked, "A million dollars... a billion dollars... even if they had it, would it ever be enough?"  NO.  It wouldn't!!  I'd get the million dollars and say, "Wait, is this it?"  *I* haven't been able to define the support that I need.  If you asked me specifically what I was after, I'd probably shrug my shoulders.  I don't know!  I ask for an apple, so you give me one.  Then, I stare blankly at the apple and think, "Hmm... didn't I want an orange instead?"

Please, try to understand, it's not a matter of being indecisive, whiny or finicky.  Try to think of it this way - what you really want is for someone to say, "I love you."  You're not secure enough inside to offer it to yourself, so you think that someone else saying it will help.  So they do.  They walk up to you one day, hug you and say, "God, I love you."  It's exactly what you wanted.  Yet, now that you have it, you have NO idea what the hell to do with it.  You stiffen up, say, "Um, thanks?", and walk away confused and even a little angry because it's not what you expected.

Confusing, isn't it?

I could go on and on about our talk and, thankfully with her permission, I will reference it quite a bit.  Another item discussed was a book entitled, The Happiness Hypothesis.  I was so intrigued by her description that I went to Borders immediately after leaving and bought it.  The author wastes no time and dives straight into psychological analogies that click.  He references quotes by Buddha and Plato, comparing our subconscious mind to that of an elephant, and our conscious ego to the elephant's rider.  The elephant is our emotion, basic human desire, the id.  We can never ever hope to 'control' it.  We, ego hungry riders, need to learn to ride in harmony with our elephants.  If you want to make your elephant turn, you don't yank the reins and scream, "GO THAT WAY!!"  It's a freakin' elephant!  They're big, fast... and you don't get in the way when they want something badly enough.  You learn to coax the elephant, rather, by tugging gently one way or the other, a little at a time, until you find yourself pointed in the right direction.  In a way, you 'let up'.

To me, it simply makes sense.  I can see how hard I've been pulling the reins and how little direction I have as a result of my actions.  I'm tired.  I've been sitting atop my elephant, pulling as hard as I can, and I'm worn out.  To think, all I've had to do is turn it a little at a time.

I also received a wonderful gift from her, one she figured I'd appreciate.  It's a bag of small charms, each with its own engraved suggestion.  My favorite and one that will stay in my pocket next to my sobriety coin -

"Take a breath."

Can't thank her enough for the day that I had.  Although I will probably write tomorrow (writing is starting to feel automatic), I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.  Enjoy the holidays and leave your stress alone for a few days.  It's not going anywhere.