Not According to My Blurry Plan

For the record, I did follow my own advice.  I walked outside this morning, looked up, irritated already, but still said, "Today will be okay with me."  And it has been okay because I haven't taken a drink.  Also, I was honest.  I went to a meeting this afternoon and people asked me how I was doing.  Here were my repsonses:

11:30am > "I'm good."
11:40am > "Eh, I'm all right."
11:50am > "Ugh.  Not so good."

It doesn't benefit me in the least to sugarcoat my mood.  Don't get me wrong... Hope is on my shoulder and she's telling me that it will all be okay, given patience and some work on my part.  I am positive about this.  But people need to know where I am at the given moment if they're to identify and help me.  If I keep walking into a meeting with a smile on my face saying, "Hey, I'm great today!", then I'm going to be in deep trouble.  It's not that I'm intentionally lying when I say things like that, but I feel like a "burden" by telling the truth.  NO, I'm not okay!  I'm hurt!  I'm pissed off!  I'm resentful!  I'm seeing things in a new light and I don't like them.  Not one bit.  And that's life.

Because remember, I said that life is about simplicity.  Simple does not mean easy.  I have made some incredibly difficult and emotional decisions this week (and one today) that go against every fabric of my old character.  There's only one way to grow, however, and that's to step outside your comfort zone.  When you stay in that content, warm little bubble, you stop developing.  You become stagnant.  You become lazy.

A friend of mine is right - this has nothing to do with addiction or alcoholism.  This is about anyone who might be reading this thinking, "I'm discontent.  I need something different.  I need a CHANGE."

Unfortunately, when you step outside that bubble, after being content for so damned long, a knot forms in your stomach and your feet feel like lead.  Your knees buckle, your legs shake and you find yourself holding on for dear life.  Literally, for some of us, it's life or death.  And days like Thursday, where I had to take everything five minutes at a time, feel like forever and a day.  I've already stepped outside my comfort zone by asking for help and making my admissions, but there's much more to come and you never quite know when a new move will have to be made.

I like this line from the song "Prostitute": "What would you say if I told you that I'm to blame?  What would you do if I had to deny your name?  And where would you go if I told you I loved you and then walked away?"

That's how I'm feeling about my life right now.  The only way to make it better is to say Goodbye to an awful lot that meant everything to me - patterns and behaviors that aren't part of the lifestyle I'd like to live.  You begin to realize how much you relied on others to fill the parts of you that weren't whole and how much work it's going to take to fill those gaps with self-worth.  It's daunting... especially if you also have to say Goodbye to friends.

Maybe I shouldn't say Goodbye.  Maybe it's "So long, for now."  Take my son, for instance.  I thank God and Hope that he's so young I'll have a chance (if I take it) to repair some of this wreckage and set a positive example for him.  It means, however, keeping my distance and getting healthy.  There's a reason I only see him once a week, for a couple of hours if I'm lucky.  Dad needs to grow up, just like his son, and it means finding himself... growing outside that comfort zone.

But for others, it means really stepping back.  Intentions are misunderstood, affections are misconstrued, damage become collateral.  I don't want to do that to people.  That's where "Blurry" comes in: "There are oceans in between us... but that's not very far."  So, you know what?  I will NOT say Goodbye to the people I have confided in throughout this journey.  But if I get hung up on the distance I've created and the hurt I've caused, the oceans in between, then I'll stop swimming forward.  I'll start treading water.  I'll get content.  I'll get lazy.  And, eventually, I'll drown.

I wish I could've gone for a run today, but it was really freakin' cold with the wind.  I didn't have the memory card I needed for my camera.  I wasn't dressed well enough for a hike.  Plans changed and I didn't like it.  Thankfully, I was reminded that I don't have to be in control.  Shit happens and that's not alcoholism.  That's life.

So, I'm going > THIS WAY.  If you would like to join me, then I would love to have you along for the ride.  Otherwise, may our paths cross again - because I really do care and miss you very much.

Another meeting tonight because, well, I don't feel like it.  And when I don't feel like it, it usually means I need to get my ass there!

"Look for a new beginning on you."