It's Not a Big Deal... IT'S NOT A BIG @#%^ DEAL!!

Before I rant, I'm still surprised about yesterday's post.  Thanks for the comments and the e-mails.  I honestly thought it was kind of a filler entry.  Therapy nights wear me the heck out.  I love each of those sessions, but they can be mentally exhausting.  Okay, on with the ranting!

W... T... F...

Sure, I went to the new meeting tonight.  You know who wasn't there?  My sponsor.  You know who else wasn't there?  Anybody freakin' else!  Here I am, psyching myself up all day long, finally in the right mood for it, and not a soul was there.  People, I know my church basements nowadays and this was prime location for a meeting.  I can spot 'em a mile away.  Instead, I walked 'round and 'round, like an idiot with a cup of coffee, and ended up driving back to Gardner via 2A.  I think the icing on the cake was nearly missing a turn while Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas" was playing.  I said a lot of things aloud that are still hanging somewhere over John Fitch Highway.  Which is okay, because there are a lot of inappropriate things on John Fitch that should stay there and not be brought home with you.

I must've passed 157 liquor stores or bars on the way home, too.  I found myself shaking my head at most of them, as if to say, "Why?  Why must you all be open to serve?  Don't you know how much that pisses me off??"  Often, I forget that there are people on this planet who can tolerate drinking.  I remember being that way, long ago... having a couple beers with friends over the course of a night, laughing, having fun.  It WAS fun at some point.  And alcohol did what I wanted it to when I needed it most.  If I do a cost benefit analysis on alcohol, the pros are there and can't be ignored.  But the cons list has grown so large, it's at least five times the size of the pros.  As I answered last night, there is absolutely nothing enjoyable about drinking now.  The fun is waaaaaay gone.

Which is why I get upset, I suppose, when I hear my coworkers talk about it all day.  Well, maybe not ALL day, but enough.  Joke after joke about needing a drink.  "Hey, I heard there's an accident on 495.  Hope it was a Stoli's truck."  Grrrrr.  And that's all I'm going to hear tomorrow.  We're having a holiday party at noon and people have been talking about getting hammered for a week.  Why is it so damned important, especially around this time of year?  It's frustrating!!

But then I remember... they can joke about it and get back to work.  "Normies" (hehehe... I like to call you that... "normies") talk about getting a drink or joke about getting a drink.  Then, they let it drop.  Me, I hear someone talk about drinking and I sit at my desk half the day thinking about it.  "Don't wanna drink.  Don't wanna drink.  Damn, wish I could drink.  NO!  Don't wanna drink.  Don't wanna drink..."  Talk about a red flag.  I had no idea that I was doing it for years.  Literally, years!  Except, during that time, I was thinking, "I can't wait to get home for a drink.  Hoooo man, I'm so going to drink tonight.  Maybe I'll eat something, too.  Hmmm... Domino's sounds good tonight.  Better order early, though.  Don't want to be too drunk when the delivery guy gets here.  Speaking of drunk, that sounds good.  I should do that tonight."

Side note: I can't tell you how many mornings I'd wake up with half a pizza and a box of wings and think, "Where'd I get these?"  Shaking my head as I write this...

Anyway, tomorrow isn't going to be easy, though I was reminded that all I have to say is, "No, thank you."  I have several 'outs'.  1) I have to pick up my son.  2) I'm on medication.  3) I'm psychotic.  4) You won't like me when I'm green and angry.  The list goes on and on.  BUT the best one is - I'm meeting a friend for coffee and I don't want to smell drunk.  And that one is true!  I can't wait!! 

I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me.  People can drink around me and I really don't care.  It's the number of people and their attitude that gets to me.  That's when I start thinking, "Wellllll, one won't kill me."  Unfortunately, it really will.  Friends drink around me now and then and I don't give it a care in the world.  But I remember when the beer cart came around at work during the summer and I can tell you that there were 419 droplets of sweat on my coworker's beer when he set it near me.  419, no lie, of which 78 landed on my desk.  It was a hot day and that was one really cold beer.

Hey, life goes on, right?  The world isn't going to stop drinking for me and, although I've yelled quite loudly at my TV regarding the issue, they will not stop advertising booze during the Pats game just because it drives lil' ol' me nuts.  I'll get over it because there's a lot to do in life while not drinking.  I've simply overlooked it all.  And when I'm doing well, I often catch myself thinking about a drink and then I say, "Wait... if I drink, I won't be able to hike," for example.  I have a hell of a lot more fun being active than I do while drinking (there's no high like a runner's high).  And what about simply enjoying others?  I regret a lot of things in life, most of which I need to drop, not the least of which is drinking when my son was a teeny-tiny tater tot.  I was around and available, but I didn't enjoy it with a clear head most nights.  That obsessive thinking had a hold on me and was squeezing tightly. 

No matter how much you love someone, addiction will still kill you if you try to get sober for them and not for yourself.

So, tomorrow, I will remember that I'm working hard and that I'm worth keeping on this planet a little while longer.  Drink if you'd like, but it's not something I can do.  It shouldn't be a big deal.  *I* make it the main attraction when it's really just a sideshow.

One salted caramel mocha latte comin' my way tomorrow.  If Starbucks doesn't offer it anymore, then I'll add it to my resentment list and burn it after the meeting tomorrow night.

Do you think Jack Bauer drinks salted caramel mocha lattes?