First of all, the job went VERY well. I was welcomed back with open arms, have wonderful projects to work on and, hell, it was almost like walking into an AA meeting. I got handshakes, hugs, tea... I have a cold, probably due to the stress. It was incredible. I was ordered to "mend". You don't find too many jobs like that, which means I had better not screw this one up (and, again, I don't need others saying, "Yeah, you better not"; it's not constructive. I already KNOW this.)
Tonight, coincidentally, the meeting topic was on trust, which I've already admitted to be struggling with. I can understand my family having their trust issues, as well as my son's mom, because of my relapses. It's not something worth getting into again. They're hurt, they don't completely understand that I'm hurt... we'll talk about it another time.
But what's killing me, yet again, is that I hurt people IN the program. I mean, it's absolutely eating me alive inside. All I had to do was make ONE phone call and I wouldn't be feeling this way. Again, I've gone into this. People are trying to help me through it, yet the ache is AWFUL. I was listening to Blue October in the car this morning on the way to work (which is all about psyche issues and relapse) and found myself with tears down my cheeks while listening to "Hate Me". I don't want to feel this way. But when you find yourself at the package store at 9am, buying 3 liters of vodka to make it through the day, and not picking up the phone... well, what do you expect? You're going to cause people pain! Lots of pain! Maybe I shouldn't be listening to this music right now, but it's what I need, just like writing. "Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you..." (That hurts... the abandonment that I dished out.) And there's far more music like it that's getting to me. "Miss Me", "Loving the Alien", "You Look So Fine". UGH. My cousin says it's cathartic and she's right. I'll get through it, but I need to talk it out. Just wish I could do it NOW (remember, I'm an alcoholic - I want things NOW).
Remember the title, though - Hope and Her Power. Well, I'm going to call this woman Hope (obviously not her real name). I was at a meeting last night (wonderful meeting, saw the same speaker I saw on Saturday and got to speak privately with him) and had a good talk with someone at break time. I took my seat after break and I got a tap on my shoulder. There was a woman sitting next to me that I didn't quite recognize... however, I knew she was sober. You can tell, by the way. The bloat leaves your face, you're not quite as flushed, your eyes have a glow about them that just says, "I'm trying my best." She said, "HI! Don't you recognize me?" I was embarrassed (always embarrassed, always worried about what others are thinking, right?) that I didn't and admitted it. It took me a minute and then it hit me - REHAB!! Not a rehab that I was in - but I spoke to this woman just a few months ago AT a rehab while doing a commitment! Well, we had a nice talk and I discovered that what I spoke to her about "gelled" and she's been sober since. I'm not taking credit for it, of course, because she admitted that it's been a rough road, but something that I said (and my sponsor) really hit her. She's been busting her ass and now has five months clean.
It made me recognize that, when you're sober, you're available. You have something to offer people. You have light in your eyes and a spark in your soul that makes people think, "You know what? I want that, too." I had been feeling pretty low before I saw her... ashamed, again, because I couldn't pull it together myself. But after seeing her, it got me out of my seat and talking to others - telling them, again, what I did, what I plan to do, what THEY thought about my feelings and how I should proceed at the moment. After all, they've ALL been there. Of course, I got the same stinkin' advice from everyone that I got from my friend the day before, "You need to give it 'time'." I'd say, "God dammit, I HATE TIME!!" But another gentlemen also told me, "Well, if you don't like it, I have a drawer full of white chips (24 hour chips) and you're welcome to more of them if you'd like." Um, no, thank you. If I get any more, I might start tiling my floor with them. While it would look sparkly, it would get boring reading "To Thine Own Self Be True" every time you sat on the toilet.
So I would very much like to thank Hope for her power last night - the glow, the smile, the hug. I hadn't been to that meeting in almost two years, so don't tell me it was coincidence. And it's her home group, so I will see her next week, as well. I offered something important just a few months back and didn't even realize it. I could spin it, of course! I could say, "Shit, I couldn't follow my own advice... what an asshole!" That's the alcoholic speaking... the guy on my shoulder whispering in my ear, "If you had skipped a meeting tonight, you would've had more time to relax... why not skip tomorrow night?" To that man, I say to you... Fuck Off. I don't need you. You hurt me and, worse, you hurt my closest friend. You hurt my family. Hell, you even hurt my credit score! FUCK OFF.
Two more things - one, I can feel how badly my friends must've felt because I'm very worried about someone right now. I won't say who, but I haven't heard from him and I'm wondering if I'll have to make good on my threat to bust down that door (also, there's a woman who I know is missing and is drinking again, which is a shame... she really is wonderful, but she's probably sitting on a bar stool).
Second, and I won't name names... but I have a friend who has dealt with an alcoholic family for a very long time. She sent me an e-mail with great advice, but what hit me the most was this line, "Congratulations on not drinking in the ten minutes it took you to read this e-mail." And, so far, she's reminded me every e-mail, "Hey, it's 11:29 (for example) and you haven't had a drink. KEEP GOING."
That's someone who gets it. She's probably been through a TON of pain, gone through the trust issues and the fear, been pissed off and hurt (just like I hurt my friend)... but she gets it. And that's the kind of support that I need.
It's 10:30pm and I haven't had a drink. I went to work, had a great day, heard from someone specifically very special to me, made a meeting... and tomorrow I'm going to rinse and repeat. And I'm going to keep repeating it, GOD WILLING, over and over again. If I have to simply say, "Please, Lord, just give me ten minutes of strength," then I'm going to do it. I'll tell you that I had my 24 hour chip near my chest all day long and I must've gripped it a dozen times... most of the time thinking about what my friend wrote - KEEP GOING.
Hey, maybe Hope is my Higher Power? Who knows? I was reminded that God was often referred to as feminine in early passages... compassion and open arms. Cradling.
Thank you, Hope. And thank you #@!^^ (anonymity, remember) for telling me to KEEP GOING. You made me feel understood and dignified. I haven't *truly* felt that way in a long, long time.
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