Phoenix Rising

Permit me to be overly dramatic.  The subject has come up several times in the past few days (coincidence?) ...

Everyone knows the tale of the phoenix.  It's simple, yet powerful, and the imagery is often enough to spark the motivation for change.  The mythology weaves through a variety of cultures, from Greek to Roman, Egyptian to Japanese.  Early Christianity used it extensively, often to symbolize the resurrection of Christ.

The phoenix was an ancient bird with brilliant red and purple plumage, with regenerative and restorative powers, depending on the tale you're reading.  It lived for hundreds of years.  At the end of its lifespan, it would build a nest - some say of cinnamon twigs, others say with fragrant berries - which it would then ignite in a fearsome blaze.  The phoenix would burn alive, taking with it everything around, until only fire and ash remained.  And from that fire and ash, a phoenix would rise, beginning new life from old.  A fresh start.

For me, the symbol of the phoenix is one of strength and hope.  In a shattered sea of chaos, we can climb out, begin anew, changed and tempered.  But...

The phoenix incinerates its old self, including its nest.  Only the phoenix can escape its own destruction.  Its resurrection comes at a steep price and reminds me of the heartache that we face as we struggle to change, sometimes leaving what and who we knew behind.  As we with mental health issues work to become better human beings, risen from the shells that we were trapped in, we sometimes have to make sacrifices that are extremely painful.  We're changing, starting over, but this doesn't mean that those around us are willing to do the same.  We burn our homes, our securities, our relationships, all our bridges...  it hurts so deeply that it feels like there's no escaping the flames.  Everyone seems to suffer.  Everything seems to disappear.

But eventually we rise, hopefully with fresh eyes and a wizened perspective.  It's certainly scary, losing it all and being born again.  That's why it's important for us to look around for a fellow phoenix.  Only a phoenix can know how another is feeling emotionally and understand how it felt to burn.  Intense connections can form in a matter of days, hours, or even minutes.  We empathize, not just sympathize, and can lean on each other as we build new lives.  Again - build new lives, NOT rebuild.  Our old lives are gone and I wouldn't want to rebuild mine anyway.

And so, I dedicate this to my fellow phoenix who have been lifted from their own hurt to start life again.  You've provided me with support, understanding, and (most of all) a non-judgmental shoulder to rest my head upon.  Because of you, I'll keep rising.

And a Happy New Year

2012 was less than stellar.

Easily, the past year was one of the hardest I've ever had to face.  I saw the loss of my license due to seizures, legal problems because of the former, the loss of a wonderful job, numerous (and I mean NUMEROUS) hospital stays, my first surgery, psych wards, and a difficult to face mental health diagnosis that brought with it a roller coaster ride of medications.  Top it all off with hurt feelings, disappointment and heartache and you have a major suck-pill of a year.  So when people tell me not to dwell on the negative, it's hard not to tell them to shove it in inappropriate, naughty places.

But I'm still standing.  Within all that negativity, there was some shining positivity...

• I AM still standing.  To be honest, I'm surprised that I am upright.  After countless hospitalizations and mental health wards, I'm here and ready to tackle 2013;
• I was finally diagnosed correctly.  Years of unspecific diagnoses and incorrect medication and I finally met a few doctors who got it right.  Now that I know what I'm up against, I can make a game plan to tackle it;
• If not for one seizure, snowballing into job loss, I wouldn't have found out that I have bipolar disorder.  The job was incredible, but I'm useless if I don't get healthy first;
• New friends and old!  I met some truly amazing, strong people in 2012.  I have people in my life that understand, truly understand, what I'm going through.  Whether it be by phone, text, or e-mail, I ended the year with a team of friends that will listen to me and give me the kind of true support that I need.  Better still, I love being an ear when they need help, too.  One in particular texts me on a regular basis, just to check in, and it makes me smile every time I hear that message chime; and
• Kinship with my family... who I know I've hurt more than once.  When I look back on the previous year, the first thing that comes to mind isn't the bad.  It's the nighttime bonfire, the fun cookouts, going to the movies with my sister, the breakfasts, and walking that long walk into school with my son's hand in mine.  I couldn't ask for more.

What's next?  I have absolutely no idea and it scares me a bit.  Maybe school to find new direction?  Possibly some volunteer work to let others know that they're not alone in this mess either?  I'm not sure.  What I do know is that, if I'm to survive this, there will need to be a lot of change and pride swallowing in the upcoming 365 days.

With that, I wish everyone a very Happy New Year and I thank you for all of your support.  May you and your families find health and wonderful happiness in 2013.