It's been almost three months since my last blog entry and it took the death of an actor to prompt me to write back in February. And recently, my writing creativity has been so stifled that I almost took the blog down completely. Thankfully, a few people have commented on it in the past few weeks and, due to good timing, I suppose I'll leave it up. But what to write about?
When I started blogging, I did it with the promise that I would share everything... call it personal accountability. If something was happening in my life, I would display it publicly for my friends and family to see. In that way, there was nowhere to hide from my issues. I had to tackle them head-on. And once they were in the open, they didn't seem as severe as they did when I was holding them close to the chest.
Lately, though, I've run into an interesting issue. Since last September / October (as I previously blogged), I've been on a medicine regimen that's been working wonders. Eight months after my introduction to 'wonder' drug Clozaril, I'm seeing and coping with the world in very different ways. There have been ups and downs, surely, but things that seemed like issues or stressors in the past simply... aren't anymore. Stressors, especially in my daily routine, have melted away to nothingness or, better, have been turned to positives in ways that I wouldn't have thought before. I feel that I have been approaching daily life differently and it has been reciprocating in kind.
But that leaves me with the larger issues, deep rooted therapy type issues, that I still haven't worked my way up to sharing. Those are the things that are either a) written in a journal, b) shared within the confines of my therapist's four walls, or c) written in, what will be, a poor attempt at a book. A) and b) are easy to understand - unless I give the immediate go-ahead, they will never ever be shared. C) however... whether you like the idea or not, I've had a lot of people ask me to put my writing efforts into the form of a book. I suppose it makes sense. If I can blog, then I can put it all together and find an agent. And I can share deeper issues in a "book" because the immediacy of sharing publicly isn't there. Who knows when a book might be published... five years, ten years? Who cares? I can share it and then forget it.
Anyway, as an example of an immediate issue to share that I'd rather not share (mind blown)... I was sitting with my son after breakfast one morning, not long ago. We were watching Curious George, part of our usual routine. He looked at me, smiled, and said, "Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be..."
NononononononoNONONONO! DON'T SAY IT! That's what went through my head. My stomach fell to the floor and I think my heart even stopped. My ego, overpowering all, finished his sentence for him... "Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be..." "...just like you."
Except, that's not what happened. At all. With a smile still on his face, my son finished, "...a fireman."
"Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a fireman."
Quite frankly, this is embarrassing to write and, if you were looking at me now, I'm sure I'd be red. It reeks of the inadequacies that I have as a father and, also, the problems that I have with my own dads. I'm not burrowing my head in the sand. I AM tackling these, but in the same way that most of us do - Privately.
So, I guess to say that I don't have topics to write about is untrue. I have pages upon pages of topics alone to put to paper. They're just a little deeper than those topics I've written about in the past. To the reader, maybe the example above doesn't seem much different than the items I've chosen to write about in the past, but to me it seems much more visceral than what I've exposed before. Yet, who knows... maybe after review of a few entries, I'll realize that it's all just the same old crap and I won't be as self-conscious as I feel now. Or maybe I simply need a breather.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
R&D
It's become increasingly difficult to sit and write a blog entry on the typical subject matter due to the fact that things have been going well. I imagine this is why we see so much drama on the nightly news. Not only does it sell (and I'm not comparing my little piece of Internet real estate to the news in that regard), it's so much easier to compose.
"Tonight, on I-93, traffic is flowing well! 8 minute drive time. And... um... now what?"
"Major delays on I-93 this evening! We have a roll-over 3 miles before the Braintree split that's backing traffic into Boston. At least one vehicle is on fire and crews are working frantically to contain the scene. In addition, we have on-looker traffic delaying commuters in the opposite direction and blah blah blah..."
Obviously, it's in everyone's interest to have a smooth ride, but it doesn't make for news. I feel the same way about writing here. I've been doing very well since autumn - the new medication seems to be moderating me extremely well - leaving me with a wicked case of writer's block. No drama! As always, I say that with a bit of trepidation. One-third of a year is quite an accomplishment, but I'm also in the middle of winter with a fair amount of large stressors weighing down upon me and none can be complete without taking care of another. 'A' needs to resolve prior to 'B' leading to 'C', but 'X' and 'Y' may delay 'A' or skew 'A' leading to 'B1'... stupid math. But everyone has stress, so take a breath and things will work out eventually. This highway that I jack-hammered isn't going to be rebuilt in a day.
In the meantime, I figured I'd use a couple hours at night to do something a little different - creative writing. I started a fairly meaningless and very green movie blog, wondering if the mere act of writing would possibly spark the flow and prompt a renewed interest in this site. And, sure enough, it did. That and the death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Actually, it was less the death of this very talented actor and more the comment that was made in social media regarding his death being the 'research' that will keep other addicts from the same tragic outcome. "He did the research so you don't have to."
Flame me all you want, I hate this kind of comment with a passion. You won't hear this cliche outside 12-step ranks and it was an NA member that said it to set me off. It's the kind of statement that, first of all, entirely trivializes what happened to the man - be it an actor, a doctor, a postal worker, a police officer. Calling it "research" instead of what it is - an overdose - is language substitution that absolutely has no place here. Don't reduce the fact that he shot heroin and shut his own lungs down.
Second, and the second part of the statement, "so you don't have to" - that's not how addiction works. I'm even a little upset at Aaron Sorkin, Hollywood big-shot (and I don't mean that sarcastically), who wrote a tribute to his friend saying that Seymour's death probably saved ten others. That's a pipe dream. If you're on the right track and you hear that someone overdosed on drugs or alcohol, you're no more likely to leave an AA or NA meeting and go pick up your drug of choice and overdose yourself. It's all about your exposure to your triggers. Conversely, if you're on the wrong track, hearing that someone overdosed is not going to scare you straight. I can hear the lynch mob coming up the street. Of course, there are exceptions. Of course. But I think these exceptions happen with people who are already on their way through the Stages of Change and need a push one way or the other. I can't see this being a ten-to-one ratio, I just can't. Maybe I'm wrong. In which case, I'll open the door and welcome the lynch mob (reluctantly, but I will).
We have to be smarter than this. Addiction is raking us over the coals and the best we have to offer is, "(so and so) did the research so you don't have to"? There were two obituaries in the local papers in the past week due, directly or indirectly, to addiction and I read this morning about a broadcaster who, for years, struggled with alcoholism and lost her fight, as well. If I grab an active drinker and force them to read these columns, I can't magically expect them to put a day of recovery under their belt. How many kids participated in those old "Scared Straight" jail programs who are now in prison, I wonder? We need action, not worthless cliches...
- more beds in longer term treatment centers
- face-to-face follow-up care programs
- cognitive behavioral program options rather than the same old 12-step meetings
- sponsor-to-sponsee matching through actual psychiatric facilities
On and on. But these all cost money and a cliche is free. Nevermind that the more we spend while an addict is IN a well formed program, the less we'll have to spend once the addict returns FROM that program. It makes me wonder how long Hoffman spent in rehab last year - was he in it for the long haul or was it just a spin-dry? I'm sure I could look it up, but it really doesn't matter at this point.
I'm off my soapbox. Tear me apart if you'd like to. There's definitely plenty of fodder and I haven't proofed much, so it's also sure to be scattered. My bottom line is that statements like the one I'm complaining about seem to reduce the gravity of the situation and that's not right. It's part of a Fantasy Land and we need to come back to the real world to make a difference in this fight.
All done.
"Tonight, on I-93, traffic is flowing well! 8 minute drive time. And... um... now what?"
"Major delays on I-93 this evening! We have a roll-over 3 miles before the Braintree split that's backing traffic into Boston. At least one vehicle is on fire and crews are working frantically to contain the scene. In addition, we have on-looker traffic delaying commuters in the opposite direction and blah blah blah..."
Obviously, it's in everyone's interest to have a smooth ride, but it doesn't make for news. I feel the same way about writing here. I've been doing very well since autumn - the new medication seems to be moderating me extremely well - leaving me with a wicked case of writer's block. No drama! As always, I say that with a bit of trepidation. One-third of a year is quite an accomplishment, but I'm also in the middle of winter with a fair amount of large stressors weighing down upon me and none can be complete without taking care of another. 'A' needs to resolve prior to 'B' leading to 'C', but 'X' and 'Y' may delay 'A' or skew 'A' leading to 'B1'... stupid math. But everyone has stress, so take a breath and things will work out eventually. This highway that I jack-hammered isn't going to be rebuilt in a day.
In the meantime, I figured I'd use a couple hours at night to do something a little different - creative writing. I started a fairly meaningless and very green movie blog, wondering if the mere act of writing would possibly spark the flow and prompt a renewed interest in this site. And, sure enough, it did. That and the death of actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Actually, it was less the death of this very talented actor and more the comment that was made in social media regarding his death being the 'research' that will keep other addicts from the same tragic outcome. "He did the research so you don't have to."
Flame me all you want, I hate this kind of comment with a passion. You won't hear this cliche outside 12-step ranks and it was an NA member that said it to set me off. It's the kind of statement that, first of all, entirely trivializes what happened to the man - be it an actor, a doctor, a postal worker, a police officer. Calling it "research" instead of what it is - an overdose - is language substitution that absolutely has no place here. Don't reduce the fact that he shot heroin and shut his own lungs down.
Second, and the second part of the statement, "so you don't have to" - that's not how addiction works. I'm even a little upset at Aaron Sorkin, Hollywood big-shot (and I don't mean that sarcastically), who wrote a tribute to his friend saying that Seymour's death probably saved ten others. That's a pipe dream. If you're on the right track and you hear that someone overdosed on drugs or alcohol, you're no more likely to leave an AA or NA meeting and go pick up your drug of choice and overdose yourself. It's all about your exposure to your triggers. Conversely, if you're on the wrong track, hearing that someone overdosed is not going to scare you straight. I can hear the lynch mob coming up the street. Of course, there are exceptions. Of course. But I think these exceptions happen with people who are already on their way through the Stages of Change and need a push one way or the other. I can't see this being a ten-to-one ratio, I just can't. Maybe I'm wrong. In which case, I'll open the door and welcome the lynch mob (reluctantly, but I will).
We have to be smarter than this. Addiction is raking us over the coals and the best we have to offer is, "(so and so) did the research so you don't have to"? There were two obituaries in the local papers in the past week due, directly or indirectly, to addiction and I read this morning about a broadcaster who, for years, struggled with alcoholism and lost her fight, as well. If I grab an active drinker and force them to read these columns, I can't magically expect them to put a day of recovery under their belt. How many kids participated in those old "Scared Straight" jail programs who are now in prison, I wonder? We need action, not worthless cliches...
- more beds in longer term treatment centers
- face-to-face follow-up care programs
- cognitive behavioral program options rather than the same old 12-step meetings
- sponsor-to-sponsee matching through actual psychiatric facilities
On and on. But these all cost money and a cliche is free. Nevermind that the more we spend while an addict is IN a well formed program, the less we'll have to spend once the addict returns FROM that program. It makes me wonder how long Hoffman spent in rehab last year - was he in it for the long haul or was it just a spin-dry? I'm sure I could look it up, but it really doesn't matter at this point.
I'm off my soapbox. Tear me apart if you'd like to. There's definitely plenty of fodder and I haven't proofed much, so it's also sure to be scattered. My bottom line is that statements like the one I'm complaining about seem to reduce the gravity of the situation and that's not right. It's part of a Fantasy Land and we need to come back to the real world to make a difference in this fight.
All done.
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