Damn you, blog!! If I wasn't so fired up after a GREAT meeting tonight, then I wouldn't be writing at all. I hate when people say, "They're all great." Nah, not really. THIS was a great meeting... all about resentments. Not only did I have to speak up about how ridiculous my mind works, I needed to hear others speak about their experiences and know that I'm not the only one who stays up at night saying, "That son of a bitch who cut me off today... I hope I see him tomorrow! I'm sooooo going to get him!" And, of course, I needed to hear about how to let that stupid crap go.
I've lived most of my life with some pretty severe resentments and didn't even know it until I started seeing a therapist. I thought I was just a little pissy sometimes and, of course, felt it was my right to be that way. When 'Empire Strikes Back' was re-released, I went to see it with my ex and got reeeeally pissed off because the girl behind me kept kicking my chair - AND I STILL THINK ABOUT IT!! Now, if I still think about that, then I might, just might, be carrying some hefty resentments about some 'other' things.
If I look back upon my relapses in the past three years, then I can tell you each of them was the result of a heavy resentment that completely ate me inside. The worst part about my resentments... is that I make them *my* resentments. Somewhere after the stage where I lash out inappropriately at others because I'm pissed off, I start thinking, "Oh crap... maybe it IS all my fault!!" I feel guilty, I don't want to bother others with it, I become ashamed and <pop> I drink. (Notice a lot of those in my entries? <bam> <pop> <poof> I drink.)
Resentments... I've got to work on them. But as I shared tonight, I don't have to work on them all at the same time. I'm horrible about that. I've identified so many of them and I try to tackle them simultaneously, which only cripples me. I become overwhelmed and can't make that swim forward. Again, it takes so much energy to do it all, it's no wonder I relapse. It's like wearing leg shackles... eventually, you can't move.
So, I would never share who said what and blah blah blah. It was a long day, but completely worth it to hear what I did. Just another thing to talk about tomorrow night with the therapist. Freakin' love therapy night. Maybe I am nuts...
At this point, my coping is all screwed up and my days are still up and down, so how do I deal with resentments NOW? Well, I will admit that I do talk to a Higher Power, as they say in AA. And the more I write about Hope, the more Hope has filled that spiritual hole. I feel comforted when I know Hope is on my side. When I've got something bothering me, I point my eyes skyward and think, "My goal is to be a decent and compassionate man and I know that man is somewhere inside me (hence, Hope) - so how would he deal with this situation?" It helps - immensely.
The second way is to talk about it with others... and I'm AWFUL doing that. It reminded me about a line in a book, though. This is from the book, "Love Is the Best Medicine":
~Do we need these dark hours to discover who we really are? For those open to discovery, is it possible that in every crisis, every struggle or tragedy, another truth exists? Perhaps the only real challenge is whether or not we have what it takes to acknowledge this truth and speak it out loud.~
That tells me there's a lesson to be learned every time I decide to take the wrong road. Every time I hold a resentment, twist it upon myself, let a negative thought rent that space in my head - there's a truth that I'm probably ignoring or don't quite see. The only way I'm going to conquer these things is by having the courage to talk them out with others. I need to remember that I am NOT the only guy on this planet and, chances are, someone around me has gone through these negative emotions before and can offer me advice to make things a hell of a lot easier. Sometimes I don't even have to talk specifically about the situation. I'm finding that people are okay if I pick up the phone and say, "Mind if I scream for a moment? YAAAAAARRRRRGGGG!!!" And all of those coping mechanisms that I said I lack? They're in front of me to be learned if I acknowledge and speak the truth about what's going on in my life. I have to be honest with others and, especially, myself. This blog is certainly helping.
Have a wonderful night all! And if you feel like flipping someone off in the morning during your commute because they cut you off, I suggest doing what I did - don't. LOL. Look up, instead, and say, "Sorry! Sorry! Um, didn't mean it. I'll be good." I felt better about it all day long.
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