Chronos Relapso!

Yes, I was waving my Harry Potter wand while writing that title.

What a difference a day makes...Today was a good day.  After a week that hung lower than a broken yo-yo, today was fantastic.  Nothing extraordinary happened.  But I was *grateful* for what I had.  Gratitude, my friends.  If you woke up this morning with any of the following - your health, family, friends - then say a little Thank You right now.  I woke up with all three and, no matter how strained things may be, I still had 'em.
Two meetings with incredible messages... my AA friends asking how I was doing ("Better" was the response today; not "Good", but "Better")... I saw my son for lunch... got a couple of leads on apartments... and, how could I forget, an honest e-mail from an honest and caring friend.  There was SO much to be thankful for.  Just incredible.  I'm trying to keep up with the e-mails streaming in tonight and it just isn't happening!  I'm sorry everyone!  I'm trying.

Also, I hope that everyone is grateful for *availability*.  I think it's taken for granted far too often, to the point where you become bothered when someone asks a favor that may shift your plans or have you change your day.  I woke up at a reasonable time this morning (another thing I'm grateful for... I GOT UP, alive and well) and saw a message asking for help.  I responded and was able to give someone a ride.  Seems like a little thing, doesn't it?  But it wasn't to the person asking for help.  I wanted to run errands.  Instead, I gave this person a ride and it was like having a mini-AA meeting before my 10:30 meeting.  I don't mention this to say, "Yay, Jonathan, for helping!  Go you!"  Just a few weeks ago, there was no asking for my help.  There was no calling me.  There was no contact.  I was a ghost.  Today, I was able to help and it felt amazing.  I thank the person who asked because you helped me immensely.  Had I not given you a ride, I may have spent my day in the same mood that I've been in all week... "Meh."  Instead, you boosted my mood, listened to my story and helped me relate to yours.

Don't feel well about yourself today?  Do a favor for someone else.  It's a sure-cure.

So, this is really none of my business, but I do know that some people in AA are talking about me.  It's an e-mail that I received that reminded me of this (and the e-mail was wonderful... it simply got me thinking).  Now, I say that people are talking about me, but it's none of my business, right?  That's one of the harder lessons that I learned through AA.  "So and so said THIS about me!  I'm so mad!!"  "Well... why?  Let them talk all they want."  "But but but..."  Honestly, what people say "about me" should not be "affecting me".  People can say whatever they want.  If you let it bother you, then you're renting out space in your head... and that space is YOURS.  You shouldn't be renting it to anyone!

A terrible thought has moved into my mind
Like an unwanted room-mate drunk on wine
It feeds on my happiness won't pay the rent
I must take proper measures to evict it

Anyway, I'm being considered by some in AA as a "chronic relapser", which essentially means I'm bouncing.  I get a little time, relapse... get a little time, relapse... rinse, repeat.  Again, they can think that all they want (and you, reading this, may think that too!  It's your right).  The problem is that *I* thought that, as well.  I usually get 3-4 months of sobriety and start to panic.  The panic, strangely, leads to resentments.  Once the resentments settle in.......... I'm all done.  I've even raised my hand to share in meetings and started with, "Yep, I'm a chronic relapser."  In three years of AA, I think to myself, "Well, shit, I should HAVE three years sobriety!"  Doesn't work that way...

I was reminded at this morning's meeting that I've been in the program "bouncing" for three years, while it's taken some people thirty years of bouncing to put a few months together.  I'm not trying to compare my time with anyone else - it was told to me in a "Don't you dare give up" kind of way.  So I've had 4 months, 5 months, 8 months... over three years.  I had been drinking for ten!!  The time that I earned was a @#^ing miracle!  I should be thanking God for that time.  That makes me a chronic relapser??

So I'm setting the record straight.  I'm not doing it because of pride or ego.  I'm doing it to avoid self-sabotage, which has very nearly killed me (damn lucky my organs are not in pieces).  If what I've done really does qualify as chronic relapse, then... I WAS a chronic relapser.

Did you hear me?  I *WAS* a chronic relapser.

And that's where I am tonight (and just tonight).  I *WAS* a chronic relapser.  No more.  I'm going to say it every day - morning, noon and night.  I *WAS* a chronic relapser.  As of today, Day 19, and tomorrow, Day 20, I am in Recovery.  Hope is talking loudly tonight and, damn it, I'm listening.  I *WAS* a chronic relapser.  Now, I'm sober.  I love you, Hope.

Look, I realize that tomorrow is a new day and anything can happen.  I could decide by lunchtime that the stress of the day is too freakin' much, drive up the road, hit the package store and start this hideous ride all over again.  But as of THIS moment, THIS is what I'm sticking with.  Like I said, I could pick up tomorrow (like anyone else, whether you have 24 hours, 24 years or whether or not you've ever picked up a drink in your lifetime), but I don't want to.  I'm finding that, possibly because I've written this so openly, I can't find a reservation this time.  What I mean is that I could always find a reason to say, "Boy, I wish I could just have ONE beer some day."  I can't seem to draw that up inside myself.  It must've been the culmination of consequences this time that's making me *want* to do this.

Once again, I'm trying to write about my alcoholism, but have it identifiable to a wider audience.  If there's something negative that's stuck in that head of yours, renting space and nibbling on your pride, then please do me a favor.  Wake up tomorrow and say, "It's over.  You've had your time... now get out."  For me, it's that thought of being a chronic relapser.

I *WAS* a chronic relapser.  Your time has come to move along.  GET... OUT... NOW.