Defect or Defense?

I'm going to try VERY hard to keep this short tonight (sure I am).  The next few nights are going to be late ones, but I made a promise to myself to write at least a little every day.  I may not be able to keep that promise... not if I want to wake up in time for work.  First of all, I need to say Thank You once again for those of you who have been reading and especially to those who have e-mailed me with your own stories.  I'm reconnecting with people who I haven't seen in years and it's making me feel, well, connected!  I am looking forward to my coffee date - you know who you are (can't wait, J)!!  If I haven't responded to an e-mail, please know that I will get to you.  Someone suggested that I might not want to respond, but that will never be true.  Not under these circumstances.  The support is too important to me.  Isolation is poison.

Hey, another okay day and on a Monday no less!  20 days, my friends.  20, long, excruciating days.  I can feel it getting easier by the hour (well, SOME hours).  I was driving to work this morning, the dusk was beautiful, the music was good and the coffee was... eh, the coffee was adequate.  Honestly, I have very little in the way of inspiration tonight except to say that things were okay!  Sorry, folks!  If you were expecting something special, then you might be disappointed.

I will mention something that's been on my mind, though.  It's a little anti-AA, which may cause some friends to say, "Oh shit... he's trying to do it HIS way again."  I find AA to be a bit... defeatist... in some areas.  Discouraging.  Don't get me wrong, I love the tenets, the people, the suggestions.  The program and the people have been saving my life.  If you're an alcoholic or addict and AA or NA hasn't worked for you, then I understand.  People drop their addictions in different ways and I respect that.  WHATEVER WORKS TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!  This is a matter of my own perspective that I need to change.  So, in reality, it has nothing to do with AA.  It's a matter of my stinkin' thinkin', as they call it.

Anyway, I was watching / listening to the Pats game this weekend and WOW does our defense stink.  Sure, they forced some turnovers that ultimately let us put up points, but sheesh!!  And I caught myself thinking, "Is this an adequate defense or is there something really wrong here??"  And that, strangely, made me think about my therapist and defense versus defects.  How's that for a segue?

There's a lot of talk in AA about character defects and it's part of the step work - asking for those character defects to be taken away.  Things like pride, ego, temper.  Since my relapse, I've been thinking about mine and how they took me down that dark road again.  What exactly caught me?  Fear.  Pride.  Anger.  It was depressing me, to be honest.  So I started thinking about therapy and how she interprets these 'defects' of character.

These aren't defects.  It's defense.  We learn these things at a very young age.  They're our coping mechanisms.  When we're yelled at or bullied as kids, what do we do?  Lash out, maybe.  Isolate, perhaps.  And we carry these 'qualities' into our adult lives.  Without this defense, we would crumble as children.  And, please... I'm not try psychoanalyze anybody (but myself).  Most people learn new ways to cope as they grow older.  Ahhhh, but not me!!

The trouble with addicts and alcoholics is that we keep doing these things as adults and they don't freakin' work!  That's how I started my drinking career.  My wife left me, I isolated (and yelled and screamed and punched walls) and it was the wrong way to deal with the situation.  I didn't know how to cope - unless I drank.  And a lot of people drink to 'numb' themselves, but I can honestly tell you that I drank to cry.  I didn't know how to grieve the loss.  If I started drinking, though, then the tears flowed nonstop.  I think I needed that catharsis, but couldn't do it without something in me.

Not only that, when you start drinking, you stop growing.  So I took an opportunity to learn new skills, albeit a painful opportunity, and threw it out the window because scotch was a hell of a lot easier.

My point is this (yes, there is a point)... when I hear about character defects, I think about things that are 'wrong' with me and it's a real drag.  But if I think about it as a faulty defense, then suddenly it becomes something correctable.  I think to myself, "Ooooooh, THAT'S why I act that way... maybe if I shift this or realign that, I can put up a few points of my own."  It forces a turnover.  I can cause a turnover and get Tom Brady back on my field, ya know?  My mediocre defense becomes a powerful offense, one that might just win me a game or two.

Because, ultimately, that's all I'm looking for.  I only want to win today.  You wonder why players always say the same thing in interviews?  "We're just looking to the next game.  We'll deal with xxx when the time comes."  That's all I'm after.  I just want to get through one day.  When tomorrow comes, I'll deal with it then.

And when I forget all of the above... I'm screwed.  I project to the post-season, forget about the game I'm supposed to be playing TODAY and <boom> I drink.  And the funny thing is, all it takes to shift my defense is the little things... making a gratitude list when I'm feeling a bit down, hitting a meeting, calling a friend, writing.  That's all it takes!  But I can't be bothered to do it.  I land harder than Andre Carter. :(

So, to hell with the defects, for now.  I'll watch the tapes, make adjustments to my D and, hopefully, tomorrow I'll pull another win.  That's what I did today and it worked... rinse, repeat.

Today was a success.  Another 24 hours!