A Generous Gift

Availability.

We made it, didn't we?  Another Christmas has come to pass.  It's amazing how much we can pack into two short days.  The insanity of December boils down to Christmas and Christmas Eve (and Hanukkah!) and finally everyone can put their feet up and breathe a little easier.  Relatively speaking, of course.

I'm glad I made the choices that I did this weekend.  I'm glad I made the choices that I did starting at the beginning of the week... and month, actually.  With the help of others, I made it through an interesting Friday, had a nice breakfast yesterday, spent Christmas Eve with wonderful family and a squealing three-year old (what a kick!), and spent Christmas day with some new friends who were incredibly gracious hosts.  To think, as of last Saturday, my only plan was to be at the AA marathon, all night and all day.  At THAT time, I guess I needed some distance, but it was due to the nasty cyclical thinking I still had spinning in my noggin'.  In order to do the things I did this weekend, I had to step out of my comfort zone (isolation really does get cozy... and lonely).  It was for the best.

Seeing my son was a huge boost to my spirit.  It's the first Christmas he really 'got it'.  He's been content to rip open presents and help you with yours.  He didn't quite care about the contents as much as he did opening the gifts.  Last year, he kind of got it, but this year he definitely made the Santa connection, being a good boy, leaving cookies out for the big man, etc.  It was good to see.  While I said I have to move down Recovery Road for me, it lifted my spirits to get a glimpse of what's ahead if I keep on this journey (try, try again... don't give up).  Not only that, it reminds me to treat my own little boy, my inner kid, with the same kind of fun and enthusiasm - not once in a while, but every day.  There's no reason each of us can't be as excited as my son was, just to get up, get out and live.

My only regret this weekend was forgetting my camera on Christmas Eve.  If that's my only regret over three tough days, then I'm doing a-okay.  I even tucked a few meetings under my belt.  I wanted to be at the 24-hour meeting to show my support, but it was more important for me to be around for family this holiday.  It was only a balancing act when I started to over think it.  As long as I stayed in the moment, it was pretty simple.

I still say that one of the best gifts of recovery is availability.  It bites me to look over the days I've been AWOL and think of what I've missed and the people I've pushed away.  There's a lot of guilt and remorse there.  If I look at it too long, then I pick up the bat and the self-pity starts rolling in.  It actually benefits me to throw up a few walls, disconnect myself from those thoughts and promise the elephant that we'll deal with it later - like in therapy where it's appropriate and I have someone to help me.  These are the emotions I try to deal with alone, typically, which lead to more trouble.

Every day has the potential to be as good as Christmas Eve with my son.  They won't all be amazing, but I'd like to think that they all have the potential.  If perception is nine-tenths of our reality, then that actually leaves us with more control over our lives than we might think.  It takes practice reversing pessimism and negative thinking, but wouldn't it be SO worth it?

Happy Holidays to all.  I'm content.  Thank you.