Ahhhh, happy times with happy beer. I knew that picture would come in handy someday! You can take it so many different ways. Maybe it shows the dichotomy of the depressive soul - a smile on the outside, yet dark on the inside. Or perhaps it's more sinister! Alcohol shows you that smile on the surface and hides what is truly to come. Mwuhahahaha! Either way, I remember it being a fun day with my friends. I wish my drinking had stayed that way. I wish, I wish, I wish "I hadn't squished that fish." (...for you Simpson fans.)
So, fyi to all, I'm not going to relapse this weekend. Or for quite some time, if ever (24 hours, dammit!!). You know, I have absolutely the best therapist on the planet and I challenge anyone to counter that. I'm not sure if she says these things to boost my confidence or if she says them as a matter of fact. She's brutally honest and reads me like a book, so I'll stick with the latter. We're working on some things and I have a double session next week, one that will probably be intense. I was told on my way out, "Don't relapse this weekend... but I know you won't. I know you." It must've been the look on her face, because I bought it. I said, "I have a month or two, at least... my buffer." She's thinking I have a lot longer than that. It's funny the things that I find soothing.
Again, I am nervous, anxious, about the apartment, and we discussed it for some time. My fear is the boredom that tends to set in, especially at night, and makes me think, "What do I do with my time? I'm all alone... hmmmm." Ugh, what awful thinking and so easily countered. What do I do with my time?? There's a ton of things to do with my time! BLOG, for one! Let's see, what else - run, gym, meeting, coffee, volunteering, getting together with friends (don't call, though, unless you've been given the go-ahead... I hate the phone), guitar, piano (I started teaching myself), video games! God, I love video games! I'm such a little kid. The list is so damned long, I'd have to write all night to cover them. Ahhh, but boredom takes hold and I forget about them all.
As it was explained to me, though, boredom is an emotional 'stopper'. Boredom isn't really boredom. It's either something negative or it's a lack of emotion, which is apathy, caused by destructive interference - emotions cancelling each other out. The next time you're bored, ask yourself, "What am I REALLY? What's underlying that's causing this feeling?" If you're like me, then it might be anxiety. I'm not really bored - I'm itchy! I feel lonely and secluded and I don't like it. It makes me stop in my tracks and I sit around thinking, "I have so much I could be doing... yet I don't feel like doing any of it." Bored! Sometimes it's a matter of picking the wrong activity, too. For some reason, blogging is okay, but journaling isn't. Don't ask me why. So I sit in front of a journal or my computer, writing, yet I don't care for it. Though, I keep doing it. Why?? It only makes me more itchy!
It's tough to live in this head o' mine.
Just like two months ago, I need to get off my ass and do something when I start feeling this way. I've said it before, there's nothing quite like a runner's high. Soooo... go running! Mix up my meetings so I go to an early morning meeting before work, leaving me plenty of time for the gym at night. Is that so difficult, honestly? And, sure, I hate using the phone, but I have some very close friends who I know care about me like crazy. I don't think anybody would have a problem with me reaching out and saying, "Come over, now! I need to stare at the wall for a while and I don't want to do it alone!!" Chances are good, they'll come over AND find an activity that's better than staring at the wall. Win/win.
Aside from the anxiety, I'm feeling pretty good today. What a change... I'm at ease with myself lately and I'm lucky that feeling came back so quickly. I'm serene and a little detached, in a good way. What will come, will come, and I'm okay with it right now. I don't feel 'clingy' with my relationships, friends and family alike, which means I must be getting comfortable in my own skin. The hole inside is being filled from within and it only took some minor adjustments, perspective shifts. I stopped yanking the reins like a mad man.
If you saw me in the car yesterday, you would dispute all of this. Trust me, I'm feeling okay today. My anxiety is shifting to sharp, quick stabs, rather than the all day torture. Sharp, quick stabs... those I can take. I can defuse those easily enough. All I have to do is (say it with me) take things a day at a time. Seriously, what are my worries? Finances? Okay, I'm not the only one on the planet with that problem. Hell, I think I feel more anxiety for others than I do for myself when it comes to money (I HATE talking money... it's such a downer). What else? The new apartment? At least I can afford a small place, although I'm broke, which is MY doing. Hotels and motels aren't cheap and neither is booze. I've blown a lot of money on binges. If I stop (woah! what an idea!), then I'll be saving myself an awful lot.
So my worries are no different than anyone else's worries. I'm not unique, though I like to think so. Let's push all of those little nuisances aside. At the end of the day, this is what I Hope to say:
"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." - John Burroughs
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