I'm finally ordering the Internetz (soon)!! I should've taken it into my own hands right from the start. This is one of those "courage to change the things I can" moments. Each time I've called the phone company, the respective representatives have given me different answers regarding what I need to do to get my line active. And my landlord didn't know what in holy blue hell to do, even though he was the person to say, "Oh yeah, I'll get that wired for ya." Boosheet!! I'm glad I did the wiring. After prying open the frozen Network Interface on the side of the house, I saw that it was wired wrong. Way to go. I mean, you can't really wire one incorrectly (each line is just two wires), but you can make it frustrating for people by reversing some of those wires! Whoever wired this house was drunk. Drunk, I say!!
But hey, we're not all bad. Occasionally, we drunks can throw a damn positive meeting! Before I get to that, though, a little negativity - I hate the word 'drunks'. I don't like it when people are trying to be funny by saying 'drunks' because it has such a stigma to it. So... wait... then I should edit my previous statement. We 'heavily problematic drinkers' can throw a damn positive meeting!
Tonight (last night, by the time this is posted), everything seemed to fall into place with its timing. It was a slow day at work, so I got out on time... hit the gym, ran a few miles... commuted home in 40 minutes and walked right into a meeting. Perfect. And the meeting was a great lift. We had, what we call, a 'gratitude meeting'. It's where we express, um, gratitude. Now, as a newcomer three years ago, I found these to be incredibly offensive. I really didn't give a shit how happy your life was. I was miserable. Being miserable, it was very difficult to identify with those who were... happy. I needed to hear dreadful stories to keep me coming. By hearing how low others were - not at that moment, but when they hit 'bottom' - I felt less alone. That's why it's important to hear the horrible drunk stories now and then. I generally stay away from them when I'm sharing, but they're crucial for the newcomers.
Nowadays, though, I need positivity, even when I'm not feeling positive myself. Sure, overly positive people still make me want to put hot pokers in my eyes on occasion, but I can respect how they're feeling and it's something that I do strive for in my life. Peace, joy and harmony, even when those three make me want to vomit.
My friends reading Covey are going to have a few things to say about this entry, I'm sure. And, yes, I've read the book, but my retention isn't what it used to be. Anyway...
What I shared this evening was my gratitude for a little self-worth. Although I've been in therapy for a few years, I wouldn't have gained a pseudo-positive attitude toward myself if therapy wasn't combined with a 12-step program (and SMART... RBT/CBT are wonderful for reversing negative behavior!). I don't give myself a lot of credit for the work that I've done in the past few years, let alone my life. I tend to focus on the negative and what I could have done better, rather than the things I've really shined at. It's why I burn out at work. Nothing is ever good enough and I'm always striving to make things better. I rarely take a breather and say, "Damn, nice job!" That kind of attitude may have prevented a few relapses, too. If I had the ability to say in my recovery, "Damn, nice job," then I doubt those negative emotions would have gotten the better of me. It's hard to dwell on anger and regret when you're smiling.
This especially applies to my relationship with my son. It's really easy for me to sink into the 'woe is me' doldrums and regret not being with him as much as I'd like to. I think about what would have been if I hadn't been following the darker road. I need to remember that I wouldn't have him in my life AT ALL if I wasn't trying to put 'daddy's' health first. It's been hard work - physically and mentally! And to see him light up when I walk through the door... my God. If that doesn't make me proud of the work I've done, then I don't know what ever would. My little monkeybean!! <insert hundreds of smiley emoticons shaped like monkeybeans>
And I'm not suggesting that I should be proud at the expense of humility. I do acknowledge the support around me, but I also think it's important for every one of us to give credit where credit is due - even when it means patting ourselves on the back. At the end of our coin presentations, we often say, "...and if you're sober today, give yourself a hand." If you're struggling with substance abuse, then acknowledge it's a freakin' job and a half to stay clean for 24 hours. If you've maintained that sobriety, then acknowledge you're a success. And if you've stumbled, then acknowledge that you've tried your damnedest in the past and you CAN do it again. Give it everything you've got because you ARE a success, just by virtue of trying. I'm not naive enough to think this applies to everything, but - dang it! - we CAN do it! (Thank you, SC... sometimes it takes one incredibly special person saying it to make it finally sink in. I'm very glad I've got you in my corner.)
Hey, screw alcoholism. If you're reading this, just had a bad day, but made it to the other side... then pat yourself on the back. YOU DID IT.
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