How Happy Are You... Really?

My first off-line entry (I wrote this Tuesday night).  It didn't occur to me that I could write an entry off-line and post it later.  I tend to think that I have more than one vice... and internet access is a biggie.  It's nice to live in a society where 100% of us are addicted to the same thing and, therefore, it's no longer considered an addiction.  It's a perfectly acceptable staple.  Not having internet access here is like being on a hunger strike, but for no good reason.  I have a feeling I will survive.

Now that I've been here a couple of nights, I can picture myself being comfortable in this place.  It's small, cozy and private.  My neighbors are nice, the landlord is accommodating (although oddly procrastinating) and I have a nice TV that I can't use, but looks good.  The apartment doesn't smell like 'man'... yet.  Also, I'm becoming a fan of WSRS and Delilah's nightly radio show.  It's paranormally soothing.

Mentally, I'm exhausted.  This is one of those nights I could have used a meeting.  However, I had a rather lengthy therapy session instead.  We're trying something new and I don't like it.  It's a technique aimed at changing a person's affective state.  I guess you can think of it as your baseline mood.  Are you generally happy or sad?  An optimist or a pessimist?  Tranquil or angry?  There are studies showing that affective state is determined primarily by your genes.  If you're typically unhappy or pessimistic, then you've lost the Darwinian Lottery (hmm... just made that up.  I like it).  If you're happy or optimistic, then you've hit the jackpot!  It's not that nature and nurture have little to do with it.  It's just that a good chunk of your happiness has to do with how your brain is initially wired.  It's a good indicator of how you'll deal with stress events in your life, too.  I'm big on 'avoidance'.  Although THIS part of my affective state was probably molded by how I grew up.

Side note - I find it interesting that my therapist decided to start this now, as I'm reading a book on exactly this subject.  I do believe she's psychic.

The good news is that you can change your baseline affective state, but it takes daily practice.  Part of this exercise, and it's a lengthy one that will take weeks to get through, is to identify the blockages in your life and then work to remove them.  Surprisingly, fear isn't one of mine, although anxiety is.  NOT surprisingly, anger is the largest block.

Have you ever sought to identify what's holding you back in life?  Before tonight, had you asked me that question, I'd answer with any of the following - money, career misdirection, alcohol, relationship choices, etc.  Those don't get at the root of the problem, though.  What's really got me stuck are my emotions and anger tops the list.  I could say, "From now on, I vow not to be as angry!"  But define anger.  There are so many different types and components!  Are you aggressive, defiant, rebellious?  Furious, brooding, vengeful?  My ego took a big hit tonight when I read the word explosive and thought, "Damn... that's me."  Until I hit the word volcanic.  Then I said, "Oh shit.  That's even closer."

There's so much to work through and it seems a bit overwhelming.  I was drained when I left the office.  Unless I drop the anger elements, I can't work on the affective state pieces that I really want in my life - like peace.  Peace and tranquility mean more to me than any external factors ever could.  Balance, fluidity... these are things I've only imagined to this point.  I want to be fluid.  I want the feeling of flow and adaptivity, the feeling that I can roll with any punch.  I want to close my eyes at any point in the day and breathe so deeply that it fills the bottom of my lungs and the weight on my shoulders disappears.  And, almost more importantly to me - if I can achieve this, then I want to part this upon my son. 

Because if it's true that most of your affective state is a genetic lottery, he's already got a few strikes against him.  That I cannot allow.  And I know the best way to set an example for my son is to practice it in my own life.  He's awfully observant.  I don't think any father wants to say, "I hope my son is never like me."

I've got a long road ahead of me, but it'll be worth the effort.  If you want to test yourself, then pull out a thesaurus and think about what's blocking you.  Anger, insecurity, fear?  Look up each one and meditate on which parts these elements play in your life.  Then look up what you strive for in your life and how you can practice them to become a better 'You'.  It's a lot to take in.