Planned Chaos

I'm discovering that it's difficult to write in the evening if I've gone to the gym.  By the time I sit in front of the computer, my body is on the other side of the runner's high and it's hitting a 'tired contentedness'.  I'm mentally exhausted, my eyes are drooping, the light of the flat screen is irritating, and I'm ready for bed - and it feels wonderful.  I'm gaining plenty of reward by going to the gym, but it's forcing me to balance my time even more than I was previously.

It's another victory to be balancing my time.  Me, addictive personality, slight OCD, all-or-nothing... I MUST go to the gym every day!  But wait - I MUST hit a meeting every day!  Hold on - I MUST get to work early and stay late every day!  Yikes.  As far as I can see it, that's nearly impossible when you factor in commuting and nuisances like, say, eating.  Hungry, angry, lonely, tired.  It's not long before 3 of those 4 hit me when I try to cram all of that into my days.  So, lately, I've been doing what I feel like doing.  Gym tonight?  Sure.  Meeting tomorrow?  Okay.  Watch some Family Guy instead?  That works, too (in moderation, of course).

And that keeps it in the day.  By not planning everything into a completely unmanageable schedule or routine, it lets me enjoy the things I CHOOSE to do in the moments they strike me.  There's no tomorrow when I'm living in the moment.  With no tomorrow, I'm not planning my life too far down the line.

That certainly doesn't mean that life shouldn't include planning essentials - retirement, college funds, budgeting, blah blah blah.  I've just been going about those things all wrong.  Those are "set it and forget it" type items.  You should revisit them for fine tuning, but there's no need to dwell on them everyday, hoping that you've planned appropriately.  When I focus on them too much, I get discouraged and end up in debt, which is where I am now.  I say, "Screw it," and do dumb things, like buy new TV's.  Do I really need a 32" flat screen to write my blog?  No, but that's what I'm using.

I guess what I'm realizing is this: I'm a terrible planner!  It's simply not one of my strengths.  My OCD makes my body break out in hives when I don't create 50 checklists to control my day, yet those 50 checklists completely overwhelm me because I can't keep them freakin' organized!  I need a checklist for my checklists!!  You might think I'm joking, but I really did make a checklist when I was planning my whiteboard project checklist at work!  And then I sit there, perplexed, because I can't decide if one checklist is more comprehensive and, therefore, better than the other.  So I make another checklist!

Really, I suck when it comes to anything long term and I'm particularly happy that I'm admitting this, finally.  It goes further than the mundane, worldly matters.  I can't think of my sobriety long term, either.  To me, a year is forever.  Forever and a day.  My mind drifts to thoughts like, "I MUST make a year of sobriety," and my life shatters.  I cannot imagine being sober for a year... that leads me to start imagining being happy for a year.  I cannot imagine that, either.

It's a whole other set of issues, of which I am just scratching the surface.  Therapy has been causing my perspective to shift, especially lately - is it really that I can't drop my anger and depression or is it that I can't imagine myself being happy for any length of time, which is causing the depression?  It was brought up recently that it's as if I feel I don't deserve to be happy... that I expect to be punished and happiness is out of my reach.

That's another post, after more reflection.  "I need main-te-nance!"

Oh well.  I have my strengths and I have my weaknesses.  Acknowledge them both, use one over the other, and I'll be fine.