When it comes to mental health, you need support. Now you say, "Thank you, Mr. Obvious." More importantly, you need to click with that support. If you don't, then it's also your responsibility to seek additional resources. I did not do that. No, I gave my psychiatrist another chance because he has a good reputation and I felt badly about dumping him. And that landed me in another mental health ward.
Several months ago, I was prescribed a medication regimen that finally worked. Woot! A month and a half ago, this man prescribed medication on top of the original cocktail that did not work. Toow? It was as if two worlds collided and formed a black hole. Rather than help, it tanked my brain and sent me to a very, very dark place and I would strongly prefer not to revisit. It was a place I never thought I'd see and it was shocking... SHOCKING. Like, 'lock me up in this ward please' shocking.
Unfortunately, these things happen and it's one of the reasons Type 2 Bipolar has a 20% mortality rate. 20% sounds unbelievably large, and it is, but that's just one statistic and it factors in all sorts of things, including substance abuse and overdose. Regardless, figure that one in five people with BP might be going out the hard way. All it takes is a small tweak of medication and you're done. For me, who is already sensitive to prescriptions, it was dumping a third mood stabilizer on top of two others and, rather than stabilize my mood, it tore it to pieces. I'm not blaming that completely on the medication. I think I was still adjusting to feeling good... which must sound odd. It's alien to me. Every time I start to feel really, really good, I do something really, really stupid. And the additional stabilizer was like that first domino. Tip. Tip tip. TIP TIP TIP TIP TIP TIP TIP.
I won't be seeing this psychiatrist anymore. You can't prescribe medication in my case and say, "See you in a month and a half." Bipolar (and many MH disorders) is dynamic... what's working one week may not work the next. You need to be incredibly aggressive in its treatment, especially with people who are rapid cycling. It's also up to me to learn how to recognize the subtleties in my own body chemistry and catch them before they become huge problems. It's DIFFICULT. Hell, sometimes it just feels like gas. It scares me that I may have to go through this over and over again before I catch these things. But I'm still standing, so far.
Finally, I learned more about intentions. My intentions, as they've been for years, were pure. Truly. But my intentions are so skewed with this disorder. I intended to take my meds everyday. Hmm... though something was off. So I intended to make good and not take my meds. Oof. But that's not right either. So I intended to double my meds the next day, because that should fix things. Ugh, now I'm on my floor crying. What the @#%?! Should I triple them now? Or not take them for two days and then quadruple the fourth?
Phbbt. How do you catch a feeling or a thought when it's yours and your light-switch-brain only has two settings? My brain is either On or Off, when most brains have a dimmer. I'm still working on it and my intention today is to continue.
Maybe I should write this on a card and stick it to my forehead.
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