Jon the Reevaluator

Ten bucks to the first person who gets that remarkably loose reference.  I think I have a monopoly board somewhere, though it might be the Star Wars version.  I hope Imperial dollars will suffice.

This is something that I had never really considered and was hesitant to do, but I realize now that it's important and healthy for me to reevaluate my friends and relationships specifically, not just life in its big picture.  Who has been sticking by my side through the years?  Who is willing to continue throughout my rebuilding?  Who seems to be around only when the times are good?  Who vents, but then never stands by when I need to do the same?  The list of questions to ask is extensive.  Actually, I feel badly about the latter example, because I'm guilty of violating it.  One thing I've never been accused of being, however, is a poor listener.  That is, if you can reach me.  If you can't, I'm having problems and probably in the hospital....... not something I'm proud of, but necessary.  Not only that, I might call or e-mail you twenty times in a week if I'm hypomanic, then zero times for a month if I'm depressed.  Sigh.

Back to friends and relationships (and I include family in this), some incredibly caring people reached out to me when they found out what was going on.  Others bit me in the ass, one in particular.  The ones who cared did so in ways that may seem minor to them, but are huge to me.  Whether it be a text message, Facebook e-mail, comment on a post... they all had the same underlying conveyance - I'm here for ya, buddy.  I was surprised with a couple of visitors while on MHU, as well.  When I heard that I had my first visitor, I almost broke my nose tripping over a chair trying to get to him.  These are things they didn't have to do.... they just did and it made a world of difference to my anxiety level on those days.  And for you friends who have sent me Facebook shout-outs over the last, astoundingly difficult year - THANK YOU.  I may not always respond or I might be quick, but please know that you're part of the reason I keep finding the strength to get back up.

Like I said, others have bitten me in the ass, and not in the "Ooooooo... naughty!" kind of way.  As mentioned in my last entry, where I went to mentally and emotionally, I don't wish upon the worst of my enemies (not that I have any... phew).  I saw a way out - not the way I wanted.  If I had awoken the next morning, gotten up and said, "AH!  All better!", then I might understand a few raised eyebrows.  But I didn't.  I was stuck down in that hole and I needed some serious professional assistance to climb out.  Now, if you're disappointed with that, then I can understand.  It must be so tiring for my family, especially, to deal with my absences over and over again.  But if you're a friend who's taking it as a personal affront that I landed in a psych ward and won't stand by me through that, then... well... you aren't a friend.  Not only are you not a friend, I don't WANT you as my friend.  You have nothing to offer me and I can't give you what you're after.

I'm tired, too, folks.  I don't know how much gas I have left in the tanks.  And if I don't have the stamina for MY drama, then I certainly don't have the stamina to be dragged into YOUR drama.  I look into the mirror and I see a guy who is now too old and too worn out for junior high antics.  I won't participate in them anymore.

Priorities change.  My energy needs to be spent on those willing to spend the same on me.  To those who have reached out or would reach out, you are truly in my heart.