Numbers... Incredibly Meaningful Numbers

Or 'Numbers... Utterly Meaningless Numbers', part two.

As I approach the first ninety-day sober mark that I've earned in almost a year, I decided this morning to revisit a post that I wrote in December 2011 regarding AA and their 'chip reward system'.  Those AA members with less than a year sober are encouraged to receive chips (like NA's key chains) for every month they have remained clean.  Personally, I dislike these chips because I feel the focus should be on living clean as part of a daily lifestyle and not on making it month to month.  I can't deny that it helps elevate group morale in meetings and gives newcomers hope, though.  My heart swells when I see friends stand up, knowing they've got another month under their belts.  Even the SMART program that I participate in has forum threads created specifically for those with 7-days, 30-days, and 60-days of sobriety.  However, these threads are all-inclusive, not exclusive.  No matter how much time you have, you can participate in any of these conversations.  The segregation is there because it's sometimes more helpful to talk with peers who are closer in consecutive days.  I love SMART.

And with ninety days coming soon, I admit that I'm pretty damn happy with the work that I've performed this year.  It's been rocky, for sure, and there were a few times I wanted to throw in the towel (rocky, throw in the towel... no intentional connection there).  Now that I think about it, I did throw in the towel - just for that round.  When the bell rang again, I realized the job wasn't going to get done unless I did it myself.  No more dickin' around, even if it meant exposing parts of me that were much darker than just alcohol.

'Just alcohol'.  I guess that's the bottom line in all this.  It's 'just alcohol'.  I have more important things to worry about.

I've been waking up EACH day with a sense of pride that I successfully managed yesterday and, therefore, I can do it again today.  From one day to the next lately, I have no idea which personality is going to hit the ground.  When I find out, whether good or bad, I accept that guy and adjust my plans accordingly.  How is my mood today?  How are my meds working?  Do I have the energy to deal with court, the job hunt, my unbelievable bills?  When's my next therapy appointment?  Do I have to call insurance or rehab for training?  Nothing on my plate is unmanageable or even difficult, as long as I know my strengths and limitations and give myself a lot more leeway than I have in the past.  I have to take it slow, as there is a lot of work to be done and wreckage to clean.

Have you ever seen a TV game show like this: two partners have to answer 10 combined trivia questions.  The first partner is given 30 seconds and answers... 2 questions... leaving his buddy to answer 8 questions in the same 30 seconds.  The TV camera pans to the second partner and catches him mouthing the words, "what the fu..."  Cut quickly to commercial.

That's how I feel about the old me.  I don't blame him.  While trying to answer the questions, he got Slimed, nailed in the head with a Plink-o coin, punched in the groin by a very small Asian woman, and mugged by Alex Trebek.  I think.  So, the new me has some catching up to do, but it can be done.

I want to write another blog soon based solely on my rapid-cycling, but for now I'll say that I'm happy to be bipolar.  It's added a new level of difficulty to the game, which is a blessing and not a curse.  Because I don't know what to expect from hour to hour, day to day, I have a real sense of accomplishment when I kick my feet up at night, even when the day didn't go well.  Truth is, though, most days are a-okay.

So, to know that I've almost strung three-months' worth of these days together... yeah, I'm happy with that.

(insert smiley face or something clever)