Excuses, Excuses

"You don't know what you don't know."  I generally hate this statement.  I think it's equal to "It is what it is", if not more despicable, but they're both perfectly true.  The latter statement doesn't tell you if "It" is good or if "It" completely, abhorrently sucks.  "It" just is.  And you can't argue with "It".

The first statement has been on my mind since I wrote my last entry.  "You don't know what you don't know."  To me, the quote says, in some circumstances, that ignorance truly is an excuse.  Being valid, it should relieve some of the guilt that I've felt for things deeply ensconced in my past.  I still have problems forgiving myself for things that happened years ago and some of those things weren't even my fault.  For example, I didn't know that my ex-wife was going to have a near total fucking mental breakdown and make a decision to leave me before our first anniversary, yet I blame myself for not being more aware (maybe?) and trying to make it work.  I suppose my abandonment issues fired up and I held on far too long.  Not knowing this would be the result, I shouldn't place so much blame on my shoulders.  I guess I didn't know how to cope.

This is especially true when I think of my drinking.  Every time I raised a bottle, I created problems for myself and others, whether they be family, friends or coworkers.  As much as it's been told to me that drinking is a choice, it hasn't been mine.  I never chose to drink so hard that I missed work or appointments.  I never drank on Monday to wake up Wednesday thinking, "Hey, where did Tuesday go?"  And I would never drink to put those closest to me in danger, emotionally or physically.  I didn't know these would be the outcomes.  However, the fact remains that I did drink to that extent and those things happened (and more).

I had a conversation with family a few nights ago regarding some of my feelings on being diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I'm having a hard time accepting it for a number of reasons, not the least is that accepting it would feel like I'm excusing my actions over the past decade and more.  "Oh, remember that time I took a swing at dad?  Well, I'm bipolar, so it's not my fault.  And all those times I'd disappear for weeks, bouncing from motel to motel, not answering my phone?  Sorry, bipolar!"  I've already hurt people enough and I don't want to hurt them more by making it seem like I'm brushing away my actions with a diagnosis.

Because I was being open about this, my family raised an interesting point - this diagnosis is a reason, not an excuse.  Webster defines each as:

Reason: 1c - a sufficient ground of explanation or of logical defense;

Excuse: 2a - something offered as justification or as ground for being; OR 2b - an expression of regret for failure to do something.

They're pretty close in meaning and the two can be interchanged.  However, Reason is concrete and grounded in fact.  Excuse, the way it is often used, is an explanation having a connection to apology or forgiveness.  That's not what I want people to think.  While I am sorry for the things that have happened, I am not apologizing and waiving them.  Excuse would allow this, but Reason says, "It happened and this is why it happened.  Now take the consequences like a man."

That said, people seem to be accepting of bipolar as a reason versus alcoholism on its own.  All of those "get your head out of your ass" comments seem to sting a little bit more because of it.  I've been saying for a very long time that alcohol was just a symptom, but I didn't know what exactly was wrong.  Still, I'm welcome to this newfound reason.  It's as if someone finally gave me the roadmap that I started looking for twenty years ago.