Since I returned home, I've been doing a lot of analyzing, mostly of the last three years. It's difficult because I don't want to relive it, but it's also helpful in identifying patterns of behavior and learning how to break these patterns when they start occurring again. It's been ten years since I started drinking excessively, but the last three years that life has been extremely miserable. I guess you could say I had seven bad years and three acutely bad years (i.e. three really, really, really, @#^! bad years).
What makes this process so difficult, and sad, are the nagging thoughts now stuck in my head. I wish, more than anything in the world, that those years never happened. I don't mean to imply that I want my friendships taken away or the special moments with my son to be forgotten. For the sake of those who were caught within my funnel cloud, I wish I could take away the hurt feelings, anger and frustration. It's not about relieving my own hurt or taking away my consequences for the things that happened. I'd gladly keep those if it meant others would lose the memories of my actions.
I'm trying to reconcile the irritating idea that none of it had to take place. It's like one of those annoying, under the skin itches that you just can't scratch and won't go away. I've been seeing therapists and psychiatrists for years. If ONE of these professionals had asked the right questions and treated me appropriately (rather than throw the latest drug du jour down my throat), then <poof>... a decade's worth of misery may have been saved. Instead, I was putting something into me that made matters far worse. I'm not trying to blame anyone, but it's also hard not to. When a psychiatrist diagnoses you and the cardinal rule is to not prescribe an anti-depressant, but then prescribes one anyway... I don't know. And I didn't know what questions to ask to prevent this, either. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that one small change could've had an incredible impact. I voiced my above wish to my therapist - "I wish the last three years never happened." She replied, "I do too," and we both sat silently for a minute. It looked like we were both going to cry. She's the only person who really listened to me, but her hands were tied. She isn't a prescriber and couldn't do much except voice her concerns to my psychs. She's blaming herself for not catching this sooner. She doesn't realize that I wouldn't have made it out of this screwed up, bi-polar cave without her help.
Sure, there were some good times over the years, but they always seemed to be followed by a bout of drinking. I said in the last post that drinking was related to the depression, yet this isn't true. My drinking usually occurred after the best days - incredible days with my son, wonderful vacations, time with special friends. They coincide with my 'up' cycles, when I have annoyingly high energy and an over-eagerness to get out and do. This is how I felt last weekend. By Sunday afternoon, I was so emotionally sensitive to the positive things that happened during the two days, I was willing to scream from my porch, "LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!" While this might be true, it was not characteristic of me, by far. I had to rein my energy because of the danger that comes with it. And that plain sucks.
Eh, I'm whining. I know that I need to use my past as a tool to build a better future, but it's painful to think how easily the past could have been changed. I don't want others to hurt because of me. So, I'll try to work my ass off and the future will be brighter for it, hopefully. These lyrics suddenly have a much deeper meaning...
"With all the changing seasons of my life, maybe I'll get it right next time."
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