Merry Almost Christmas!

As seen by many of my angry Facebook followers, I have my Christmas tree up.  On November 3rd.  On a 70 degree day.  And I'm listening to Christmas music.  Further confession - I've been listening to Christmas music since July.

Why?!  What would drive a man to such depths months before Christmas day?!  Clearly, there must be something psychologically skewed in this man!

Yes, there is!

I love the holidays, truly.  The lights, the smells, the music.  All of it puts a smile on my face.  Even when I'm upset, it's hard to Hulk out with Winter Wonderland playing.  And I still get that special feeling in my gut when I see presents under a Christmas tree.  I mean, wrapped and unknown presents... I don't care what's in them!  I just like wrapped boxes!

But for one reason or another, I haven't had a good stretch of luck over the last decade.  The holidays, which should be about 'peace on earth' and 'goodwill to man', have turned into a season of anxiety and depression.  Anniversaries, break-ups, divorce, firings, relocations... the end of the year brings a lot of negative association.

Add on top of that seasonal changes, which will bring anyone with or without mental illness to their knees.  The energy is nice in the morning, but the evenings are killers.  Up and down, all day, every day.  Your head feels like a vortex of spinning thoughts and emotions that just... won't... stop.

In 2005 (a decade ago), things started to get really shitty around this time.  I was finally diagnosed with a "mood disorder", though no one could specify which.  Every time I was given medication, I got worse.  The darkness just crushed me.  I remember plugging through it, though, not really knowing what was going on.  My first hospital stints began.

2008 was a treasure, though, and I will always cherish it.  I hate to call it an anomaly, but...  

Things went south quicker than I could have imagined.  Since '08, I have been in hospitals and psych wards more than I can count. Except for 2013, I don't remember being around for an entire holiday season.  I could be wrong.  I think I've missed one of the big 4 each of those years (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year).  What a mess.  Take last year - I celebrated Christmas on another behavioral health ward.  I cried that day... partially because I was without my family, but also due to the kindness of the staff.  They gave us gift bags.  They thought of their patients.  How incredible is that?

I won't go too dark.  It's been hard work disassociating the 'REAL bad thoughts' from the holidays.  So, there's that, too.

I've been well and healthy the past few months... going through another medication change in my regimen, but I think it's helping.  Halloween, believe it or not, is the toughest holiday (the start of my usual spiral) and I came out of that with flying colors.  I allowed myself a pat on the back!

Why lose that momentum?  I know a lot of people are shaking their heads knowing I have a tree up at the beginning of November, but it's distracting me from the typical chaos swirling in my head.  Lights make me happy.  Music makes me happy.  Smiling... smiling's my favorite.

It's almost as if diving into the thick of the season with lights and music makes me feel as though we're already in December.  I'm warping time in a way to say, "You've made it to Christmas!  You're almost through!"  I know, logically, that's not true... but it FEELS true.

Finally, I also think it gives me a type of ownership that I haven't had in a long time.  I've never put up a tree for *myself*.  I usually skip it, with the thought I'd be around decorations enough during the season... or that I'd be in the hospital, so why bother?  But this year - I OWN it.  This is MY holiday season and, frankly, I can do whatever the hell I want with it.  MINE!

This wasn't a gem of a post, but I wanted people to understand that there might be good reasons for jumping the gun.  It's not about Black Friday and shopping and figuring out who should be on your naughty or nice list.  It's about that warm feeling you get in your heart and wanting to keep that for as long as possible.