Hope Bloats

I certainly have taken a long hiatus, although there's been plenty going on.  I haven't had the willingness to share like I used to.  You can blame the depressive episodes, which far outweighed the mania.  But this meant, on the surface, my "good" behavior exceeded my "bad" behavior (seems like it would be the other way around, doesn't it?).  This is due to the increase in self-harm urges, as we'll call them, happening during the aggravating and pounding hypomanic states, rather than the down-swings.  Unfortunately, it's the bad behavior that people notice.

And that's okay.  For every bad episode, I have the opportunity to learn something about myself or grow.  In the most recent episode, I learned how to assert myself with my insurance company, how to play the game, and how to receive the appropriate care for my particular needs.  I never pictured myself willingly spending as much time as I did working with providers to tweak what needed to be tweaked.

In this case, it was my medication again.  I'm very happy to say that, knock on wood, I have something that *might* work better than anything I've been prescribed in the past (I still say Lithium was the best, setting aside its harsh side effects).  I was given Clozaril, or Clozapine, which is an atypical anti-psychotic usually prescribed for schizophrenia.  Off-label and at low doses, it can be highly effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder.  Woot!  So far, it's been incredible!  I might go so far as to call it a miracle drug. /boggle!

So why not prescribe this last summer when I started my trials with new mood stabilizers?  Again, like Lithium, side effects.  Clozaril packs a punch and can dramatically lower a patient's white blood count and, therefore, immune system.  That means weekly blood draws are required for the first six months of taking the drug, every other week thereafter, and every month after that.  As long as you're on Clozaril, you're getting poked.  Let's face the facts - it's hard enough to get us to take our medication at times, let alone get lab work done on a regular basis.

The rest of the side effects are annoying, but can't outweigh the benefits of taking the drug.  I hypersalivate, believe it or not.  I cough painfully.  And, ugh, I EAT!  See-food diet, just like being on Depakote.  The urge to carbo-load is overwhelming.  I craaaave salt and feel PMSish bloated.  Unless I'm completely preoccupied, I've got food in my hands.  The doctors have put me on a counter-drug, which is nice, but it doesn't completely negate the Clozaril.  Time to get off my ass and exercise, even though winter is approaching.

I actually feel confident with the Clozaril under my belt.  It's working to stabilize my mood, OCD, substance compulsions, sleep... I mean, you just can't beat it.  If it means getting a blood test every week so I can finally make it through the holidays in one piece, then so friggin' be it.

Even Steven.  I love it.  Slowly, I'm gaining a little confidence back.  Let's see how long it lasts.