Lip Service

I feel like it would've been remiss not to write this evening.  I'd really like to get reading (I'm reading "Excuses Begone"), but something had to be mentioned.

I received an extraordinary e-mail from a friend today, someone who cares deeply about what I'm going through and only wants to see me better.  It said this, basically - "Get busy living or get busy dying."  It's my choice.  And, while the latter may not be approved, it would be respected.  But let people know so they can either a) help or b) get out of the way.

I got the e-mail while I was at work and it was a tough read.  It was tough because 100% was true, it was emotional, and it nearly made me cry.  When it's 2pm and you're trying to get work done, that's not easy.  There was also talk about grilled cheese and, God, I love grilled cheese.  So it was emotional.

(Btw, I'm watching Star Trek - JJ Abrams - and I always, always get teary at the beginning.  It was SO well done.)

Look, I can't promise that things are going to work out, but I can promise that I'm trying (even when it doesn't look like it).  I think what's really hung me up (wow, grammar) is that I do have a lot of residual feelings regarding how I grew up, my shitty marriage, my crappy jobs... and I hang onto all of that.  And I hang onto all of it because... they seem like good excuses to fail.

Right?  If I have excuses to be a failure, then I can't truly disappoint anyone.

The problem is this - I actually haven't disappointed anyone, except for myself.  I've always thought of myself as such (a disappointment).  Yet, would I ever think of my own son as a disappointment, no matter what happened to him or what he decided to do with his life?

The answer... is a resounding... NO.

My past is the wake of a boat.  It's there, but it cannot shift my course.  Therefore, I need to steer.  I can deal with that wake as I see fit, but it can't steer me.

I entitled this "Lip Service" because I almost feel like that's what I've been doing lately... paying my sobriety lip service.  I don't mean to.  My emotions have been up and down and I simply can't grip them.  But I don't have to... not all at once.  I have help if I just ask for it.

And for those wondering, the last piece of the puzzle has been placed.  I told the president of my company what I've been fighting.  I never thought I'd do that... I've admitted what's going on to my family and to you, my friends.  I never thought I'd finally tell my job.  You should've seen how caring he was and how much he wanted to help.  I left his office thinking, "Why didn't I do this sooner?"

Kirk just got the crap beaten out of him, but he's looking at a model ship and realizing his potential.  Time I do the same.