Have a Little Faith

Faith is believing in something when there's absolutely no proof that you should.  It's putting your "better" judgment aside and surrendering yourself to the idea that the icon of your belief is really there.  Everyone knows what it means in the religious sense, but God (or whoever) is not the only entity in which we can have faith.

Recently, it was suggested to me by a counselor that I need to start looking beyond myself for help in dealing with my disorder(s).  He is a deeply religious man and his biblical quotes were slightly off-putting, but something he said struck me.  He told me that I needed to have faith in my family.  Often, I am the last to see the changes occurring in my own body chemistry.  My parents, especially, notice these changes right away.  I may be more agitated than usual; snippier, cynical, aggressive.  On the other hand, I also may be calmer and more at ease.  I'm active and can tolerate social situations that normally tend to send me running.  My moods may be affected by my medications or they simply may be due to the chemicals flowing incorrectly in my head.  Whatever is causing them, they seem 'normal' to me.  My brain, my world, making it difficult for me to catch or notice.  Therefore, I need to rely on others' assessments of my attitude and seek help when that attitude is faulty.  I need to have faith that their criticisms are correct.

And that's the problem - criticism.  No one wants to be criticized, even if that criticism is constructive.  I have a huge problem taking criticism, more than most, because I've always done things solo.  I had to!  Whether it be at school or work, people relied that I could and would handle things by myself.  I never knew what kind of response I would receive if I asked for help and, well, I didn't bother.  And so, being criticized meant the onus fell completely on my shoulders.  There was no one else involved to share the blame.

But times have changed.  The problems I've faced have grown far beyond what I can handle.  When I do try to handle them, I'm finding that I fail miserably.  I never believed that there would be something that I couldn't face alone.  Who wants to admit that their brain is short-circuiting physically?  Who wants to admit they can't tackle the horror show of addiction?  And who wants to admit that they're scared?  I've made great strides, but it feels like there's still a long way to go.

I don't feel that God is watching over me or that He'll get me through these troubles.  Strictly my opinion, I feel that, if there is truly a God that put us here on Earth, then He gave us strengths and limitations and said, "Go to it."  Therefore, my trust needs to be in my family and friends.  When I'm criticized, I need to take a breath and remind myself that they're only telling me these things because they care and want the best for me.  As the year comes to a close, faith becomes a priority on my resolution list.

Amen.