Zero to Sixty

I can't seem to do anything moderately.  I feel like a broken appliance - you have to stick a paperclip in just the right place in order to activate a happy medium.  It's frustrating and it makes disposing the appliance more tempting than fixing it at times.  I'm being melodramatic.

When I initially tried to get my life back on track, I felt like I had suggestions coming at me from all directions.  "You need to go to AA."  "You need to make new friends."  "You need therapy."  And the message being projected was that I had to take all of these suggestions.  Some people might tell me that's incorrect, but that's what the majority of people I encountered were telling me.  My first instinct when told I have to do anything is to put up my fists, cry bullshit, and tell you why you're wrong.  I put my mind in Low and I failed.

When I tried again, I heard the same thing. "You have to take the suggestions."  Since I failed in Low, I decided to try High.  I jumped into them with both feet and did everything that I was told to do.  In a matter of months, I was going on AA commitments, studying to volunteer, reading all of the self-help literature...  I was overwhelmed, way out of my comfort zone, and I failed.

Then I heard, "Take what you need and leave the rest."  This defied the idea that I should pick and choose only the elements that were right for me.  You're made to feel selfish sometimes if you take this path, but I also can't get behind what makes me feel wrong inside.  I don't want to change my life with religion.  That's not how my God works.  I don't want to do 12-steps.  Why?  If I'm living life the way that I morally feel is correct, then I shouldn't have to work out resentments or make amends.  Life takes effort, but shouldn't be about effort.  Live, laugh, love - with yourself and others.  And when I do these things, I become content... peaceful... level.  There's no pressure.  I'm making progress, but I'm not moving quickly enough to trip over my own feet.  A nice Medium setting.

Maybe this is coming from new medication changes and my brain is trying to find a happy medium of activity.  I'm doing my best to concentrate on the 'little' things that I can work on, like simply healing.  For example, because of my medication, I've gained a substantial amount of weight in a very short amount of time.  So, today, I did twenty minutes of exercise.  An hour was impractical because of an injury and the heat, but I also didn't let those reasons stop me completely.  Physically, I won't see that effort for quite some time.  Mentally, I feel better today and just today.

So, I'll try to stick to small accomplishments and be genuinely happy with the results.  If I don't set the bar as damned high as I usually do, maybe I won't be completely crippled.