Extremely Split

I'm dedicating this entry to the clarification of a couple things - hypomania and depression.  Recently, I've had discussions with a few peers regarding how difficult it can be to explain to others, those without mental disorders, how damaging these can be and how little control we have over them.  "Normal" people simply don't understand and will never understand how physically and mentally debilitating it can be to experience mania or depression.  Compared to psychosis, they're more treatable, but I'd like to leave psychosis and the more ravaging mental disorders out of the conversation for now.  Very often, I look to the sky and give a silent Thanks for having been dealt the bipolar hand.

This is the best definition that I could find for hypomania, from Mosby's Medical Dictionary.

Hypomania:  a  milder degree of mania characterized by optimism; excitability; energetic, productive behavior; marked hyperactivity and talkativeness; heightened sexual interest; quick anger and irritability; and a decreased need for sleep. It may be observed before a full-blown manic episode.

I'll also add that this is seen in Type II bipolar, whereas Type I is full-on mania.  The reason I chose this definition is because it's the only definition I could find that gave both sides of hypomania - the good and the bad.  Being hypomanic is one of the best feelings in the world, I won't lie.  It's on par with a sexual climax, hands down.  While being around me during these episodes might be trying, I feel really damn good!  I don't stop talking, I interrupt constantly (and spend a lot of time apologizing for it), I could clean a mansion twice-over in a day, I don't need sleep, and activities are suddenly incredibly fun.  I'll play the guitar until my fingers bleed and then keep going.  Unfortunately, the downside is no fun at all.  If my energy is up and someone asks me to do something that wasn't on my agenda, my anger and irritability soars screamingly high.  I'm snide, sarcastic, and cynical.  If you aren't doing something my way, then you're doing it wrong.  WRONG, ALL WRONG!!  Worse, hypomania wants instant gratification, which is why people with bipolar disorder binge.  I overeat, I overspend, and I most definitely overindulge in alcohol.  It's not a thought - it's a feeling.  My body wants MORE and will do anything to get it.  One way or another, it's going to happen.  Also, if your energy shoots up and you don't do something to expend it quickly enough, then it can trigger terrible anxiety episodes that will mimic depression, below.  Essentially, you have so much stored energy that it disables your kinetics and you end up watching Netflix for twelve hours straight with two half gallons of ice cream and a bottle of cheap vodka on your lap.  It's no joke and no amount of willpower is going to get your ass moving again.  Seriously.

Depression:  a psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death.

Of course, this is only one definition, found in the American Heritage Medical Dictionary.  Often times, people who are experiencing sadness or grief, feeling "low", say that they're depressed and they are absolutely right.  They are depressed!  The problem, in my opinion, is that it's so overused.  Yes, you're depressed, but are you crippled by it?  Are you lying in bed, unable to move, crying for no reason, wondering which knife in your kitchen drawer would make the best cut?  It's in this state that others are most likely to tell you to get up and get your act together, not knowing that it isn't physically possible to do so.  Depression doesn't just affect your mind.  It gets you all over, paralyzing your muscles.  You might think I'm exaggerating and, if you do, you're wrong (all wrong!!).  I consider myself very lucky to have only experienced a handful of major depressive episodes in my life, most of which were triggered by meds.  But I can tell you from firsthand experience that it's awful, wretched, and all-around sucky.

I suppose I wrote this as an analysis to myself, to see it in front of me and work out a few swirls in my head.  I must must must continue on the path that I'm currently on, take my meds without fail or modification, and be patient with myself should I stumble.  Medication will never cure the disorder, but it will prevent the extremes from occurring... meds soften the blows, so to speak.  Because it's so dynamic, though, it could take a year just to find the right combination.  And that's not to say that combination will be right for me the next year!  Thankfully, one of the biggest benefits of medication is that my awareness of these states is heightened, giving me momentary clarity in the worst of times that they're happening.  Finally, I can see it and my automatic thinking (basically, thinking without thinking) can be interrupted.  Sometimes it's 'too little, too late', but practice practice practice.  One day, I'll get it.  I know I'm rehashing a lot of this, but I have to.  I must.

Final note: if anyone knows Allie from Hyperbole and a Half (click the link, you'll love it), she wrote a humorous, yet very real, blog about her own depression.  Allie, you'll never read this, but I hope you're getting better...