The Spin Monster

I'll come right out and say it... I'm copping two major resentments tonight.

1. I've been told that they've brought back Sour Cream n' Onion Doritos.  That was going to be dinner and I was looking forward to it.  Couldn't find them at the grocery store.  #@%^ing grocery store!

2. I've been told by my sponsor that I am going to a new meeting tomorrow night, whether I like it or not.  WTF.  Doesn't he know how important I am and how little time I've had lately?!  This is crap!  I mean, sure, I keep bitching about the Thursday night meeting in Gardner (I don't know why... I just don't really like it.  No real reason), but I bitch so I don't have to go!!  Now I'm being told that, not only am I going, but he's meeting me there.  So mad!

*sigh*  Figured I'd squeeze in an entry tonight because the holiday is here and these will now slow down (maybe... maybe not).  My therapist is the perfect fit for me, but she gave me homework, which also will slow the blogging.  I think that might be resentment #3.  We talked about cyclical thinking this evening and the work it's going to take to remove it.  For example, a woman looks in the mirror and says, "Ugh, I'm fat."  Suddenly, without realizing it, she says, "Ugh, I'm fat and unshapely."  She's putting on her clothes and says, "Ugh, I'm fat and unshapely and nobody's going to want me like this.  Who's going to love me?"  Finally, "Ugh!  I'm fat and unshapely!!  Nobody's going to love me and I'm going to live my life lonely... I'm going to die an old maid."  Now, apply that to an alcoholic or addict... that's my homework.  To identify my cyclical thinking.

You'd think this would be easy, right?  Let's take the chronic relapsing example -

"Ugh.  I'm an alcoholic."
"Ugh.  I'm an alcoholic and I just can't get this under control."
"Ugh!  I'm an alcoholic, can't get this under control and keep relapsing.  I'm so ashamed!  I don't mean to!"
"Ugh!!  I'm a chronic relapser and ashamed of myself.  Nobody's ever going to want an alcoholic like me."
"Ugh!!  I'm a relapser, worthless and unlovable.  I have no support and nobody's ever going to want me."
"Fuck it.  Nobody wants me.  May as well drink."

The problem is that this cyclical thinking is so automatic, it's hard to trace back.  The example above was easy because I've had all night to think about it.  But when I'm in relapse mode, it feels like I'm STARTING with "Fuck it.  Nobody wants me.  May as well drink."  I miss everything leading up to it.

The good news (yes, there is good news!!) is that I saw this last relapse coming a mile away.  That's different than the others I've had.  So why didn't I do something about it?  I don't know!  It's not like I didn't care.  I cared very, very much!  I saw my anger level rising, knew I was cutting back on meetings and spending more time at work, and even thought, "Uh oh... this is bad news.  Really bad news."  Again, I didn't want to bother anyone with my 'woes'.  I let everything fester until the cyclical thinking was spinning so damned fast that I couldn't stop it.  I was perfectly content to sit alone in a dark motel room and drink liter after liter of vodka.  My therapist asked me tonight, "Was there anything enjoyable about it this time?"  Nope.  Not one thing - zero to sixty with no buzz in between.  Hmph... she thinks I might be an alcoholic.

I suppose this is like REBT.  That's a form of behavioral training which essentially states all emotions begin with a thought.  If you can identify the thought, then you can control the emotion.  So my "Fuck it.  Nobody wants me" is more of a feeling... it's loneliness combined with deep resentment for the disease.  Right?  I don't actually go around saying "Nobody wants me".  I just feel that way.  The trick is halting the negative feeling the moment it hits my gut.  Like, WOW, this is an awful feeling.... so I wonder why I'm feeling it in the first place?  Then you begin to trace it back.  What was I thinking about right before I felt it?  Something HAD to have crossed my mind.  Oh right!  "I have no support and nobody's going to want me."  Woah... that's really negative!  Why did I think THAT?  Oooooooh, "I'm a chronic relapser and ashamed of myself."  On and on you go until you identify the initiating thought.  It takes a lot of work, but if you can find that first thought, then you can work on stopping it.  So, "Ugh.  I'm an alcoholic" becomes, "Yeah, I'm an alcoholic.  But I'm DOING something about it.  Good job, man."

That's the kind of spin I like.

Once again, it has little to do with alcoholism and more to do with a plain ol' negative, sick mind.  Though, I know, without a doubt, that I'll never be able to work this out if I do pick up a drink.  The second I pick up, my mind spirals, I get depressed and there's no handling the thinking process.  I'm done.  Put a fork in me.

No football analogies or jokes about this tonight.  I realize it's serious business and it almost killed me... a few times.  Three liters a day??  HOW did I do that?  But after going through it all and acknowledging that I could trace back all of the symptoms of my relapse, she said something that I considered very sweet...  "I think you're nearing the end of your autobiography (with active alcoholism)."  She sees a man that is going to continue on.  That man is going to love everything about life, love others and even love himself.  No more anger and no more resentment.  She's seeing a shining light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.

God, I Hope so.  I can't describe how tiring it can be some days.  Today, though, has come and gone.  Another 24 hours in my pocket.  But I won't drink to that...

Several very full days ahead and I'm looking forward to them.  I hope you are, too.