A million dollars worth of validation. What does that mean exactly? I had a therapy session tonight and it was a line that really stood out for me. Most people who know me would probably describe me as: fun, funny, witty, intelligent, caring (I think?). For the most part, I always have a smile on my face. And I bend over backwards for people when they need it. Unfortunately, these things are for all of the wrong reasons - with exceptions. There are special people in my life that make me WANT to be this way, true and genuine. But I find that I often play these roles because I simply want you to like me.
School terrified me. I did so well, but I was always paranoid about friendships. College was a little easier. Then came work. I strove to be 'in charge' because it meant I could call you aside, talk to you, mentor you, etc. Rather than be a boss, I tried to be your friend. Some of my coworkers might disagree with this, but that's simply how I felt. I was 'noticed'.
Enter sobriety. For three years, I've been trying to stay clean. I've gotten my AA 'coins', but there's only been one person who's kept track of my sobriety date - ever. Maybe I'm wrong here. Though if I am, then it was rarely expressed. To me, this has been extremely disappointing. It's like I'm looking for family and friends to post a special calendar, just for me, and to keep circling the dates. "Hey, tonight you get your six month chip! Can't wait to be there to support you!" That's never happened... again, with one exception.
Instead, I feel like I've been kicked around. Believe me, I'm not trying to come off as negative. Most of these entries are critical, but it's due to the fact that I'm newly sober again. So they'll seem a little nasty at times. Anyway, I've spent most of my life trying to please others and to get others to like me, so it's very disappointing not to have the backup that I've been looking for while trying to get sober (and for family reading this, don't think that I'm asking for it... you don't get it and I don't necessarily *want* you to get it). Thing is, most people who aren't alcoholics or addicts don't know how to give the kind of support that the alcoholic needs. In fact, they've been so disappointed and hurt that they're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Rather than circle that sobriety anniversary, they're counting the days until the next relapse. And while the alcoholic is down on the ground hurting, family and friends are kicking them (figuratively, most of the time) saying, "You did it again, you son of a bitch!" It's hard to explain that an alcoholic rarely looks at consequences when relapsing. This may seem strange to many of you. The alcoholic is looking for an excuse to drink (because, well, we're alcoholics!), gets one, and then forgets about the fact that he or she may: lose friends, family, jobs, money, homes, lives. It's like a black hole in the brain. That's how the disease works. This is why meetings are so important. They're reminders to us that we will lose EVERYTHING if we pick up. And when you stop going to meetings, you lose track of those consequences. I sure as hell did.
But why is it so important that I receive this kind of support from my family? Why do I need them to circle that date? Why do I need them pat me on the back at the end of the day just because I haven't picked up a drink? They're being cautious. They don't want to be hurt. They're distancing themselves because most alcoholics relapse so many times, family and friends are just waiting for it again. They EXPECT a relapse. So I, as an alcoholic, am looking for support from people who don't know HOW to give the support that I need! And if I did receive a pat on the back from my family - I'd probably think they were patronizing me! How confusing is that?!
And that's the topic of this post tonight... my therapist hit me with a great line. "You're looking for a million dollars from someone with a buck in his pocket." Sometimes, these quotes of hers really stick with me and, thankfully, this was one of them. I'm looking for support in all the wrong places.
I've been sober now for 15 days, yet last Friday was the night I got my 24 hour chip. There were an awful lot of people who shook my hand and told me congratulations. And I got that special hug... one that, honestly, was very unexpected. My heart nearly exploded with pride... because of the hug. Rather than dig inside myself and say, "I did it! I made it another day!", I let others' congratulations fill that hole and boost my pride.
While it's important to have support, I'm beginning to realize that I need to find it within myself. It's not easy. When you feel like you've been knocked around for years, it's hard not to be critical of yourself. It's VERY easy to find a spin... "Great, I made three months... last time this happened, I relapsed. And three months before that, I relapsed. It's only a matter of time." And so the sabotage begins. The devil on the shoulder whispers in your ear, "Hey, your family and friends are expecting it. Have a drink, go on a binge, then start over. It's what they figure you're going to do anyway."
I have no more use for this kind of spin. If the devil wants to yell in my ear rather than whisper, then he may do so. But life is so much better when you listen to the person on the other shoulder. For a long time, I didn't think she even existed. She was so quiet... a shadow or a ghost. Now I realize that she (I like to think of that person as a she, honestly... she's compassionate, giving, tranquil, serene) has been the one placing positive thoughts in my head for every damn negative thought the devil's been tossing at me. I just wasn't listening.
She gives me the all of the validation I need. She gives me the "Good jobs" and "Congrats" and "Look at what you accomplished!" She gives me that million dollars.
In fact, a line from Dishwalla, Counting Blue Cars:
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
'Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.
'Cause I would really like to meet her.
And ask her why we're who we are.
I haven't found my purpose yet and I've been lost so long that I'm not even sure who I am anymore. However, I'm learning to trust, little by little. I'm still here, after using more than my nine lives, so I doubt I've fulfilled my purpose. I need to keep the negative ear blocked and the positive ear opened, listening for the opportunity to serve.
Several months ago, my best friend gave me a prayer card. She knew I had my issues with religion, but I try to be as spiritual as I can. I carry that card with me every day. It reads:
O Lady of Mental Peace,
Mother of Tranquility
and Mother of Hope,
look upon me in this time of my weakness and unrest.
Teach my searching heart
to know that God's Love
for me is unchanging and unchangeable;
and that human love can only
begin and grow by touching
His Love.
Let your gentle Peace -
which the world cannot give
- be always with me.
And, help me to bring this
same Peace into the lives
of others.
Our Lady of Mental Peace,
- Pray for me.
"Let your gentle Peace be always with me." That's worth a million bucks right there.
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