Best Unsent

I trust we all have moments in our lives that we wish hadn't happened or that we'd gladly take back.  It might be that I trust this only to lessen the burden of my own wrongdoings.  I know I can be hard on myself, but I do often feel that things are my fault for not doing them differently.

Unfortunately, in the past few years, there have been many other incidents that certainly were my fault.  Although my bipolar disorder and substance abuse can be fairly linked, one cannot be used as an excuse for the other.  True, it's pretty clear that drinking eased in my mind the fluctuations of my moods, which ranged from 'fun-loving' to 'total asshole'.  That's how I viewed it.  In reality, the alcohol was enhancing these moods, leaving me rapid cycling between hypomania and depression - screaming, laughing, crying, and recently near suicidal, all at the same time.  And woe were you if you had to deal with me at those extreme moments.

One such incident occurred five years ago and left a scar on myself and, I know, others, all to different degrees.  It's especially unfortunate that this occurred at a time when things could have gone very 'right' for several lives.  My anger, agitation, irritability, and depression all culminated into the worst emotion of all - fear.  I let fear control me.

This incident has affected every aspect of my life and I feel my heart sinking and the tears welling even as I write.  I'm jobless and penniless, soon without a home, and at a loss for half of, what could have been, a family.  This family had actually been friends of mine for years and I felt as though my integration was seamless.  But in one fell swoop, I betrayed their trust and earned disdain.  I'll carry this always.

And so, I wrote a letter.  In it, I say much of what I wrote above, but I do not ask for forgiveness, nor do I expect it.  That would be selfish.  Given this, I'm wondering if the letter is worth sending.  Would the letter only make matters worse?  I don't believe so, but I don't want to reopen old wounds.  Would it really bring any closure?

Parts of me are so self-hating that I don't even think I want to be forgiven. This self-hatred results in depression and anger, two emotions that are all I've known for a very long time.  I try to smile through them, but drop the act when I'm alone.  As my dad says, he and I are good at wearing masks.

My therapist said there are some letters that are best unsent and this may be one of them (I have others).  Deep in my heart, I'd like to take a shot at amending this.  I might miss the mark, but at least I can say I tried.  I mistreated good people and I'd like to say, "I'm sorry."