Fly Away

Two steps forward and three steps back.  It feels like I've been struggling really hard for the past six months.  Every time I pick myself up, I fall flat on my face.  "Ask for help," I'm told.  Ask for help from whom?  The people rolling their eyes because I stumbled yet again?  That doesn't exactly seem safe.  Neither does asking for help from people who caused me to build the four foot steel cage that I cherish around me.  "Break down your walls!"  No.  No, thank you.  I built these walls to protect myself from people like you for thirty-plus years.  They aren't coming down anytime soon.  And, seriously, telling me point-blank that the "cycle continues" is a) uninformative and b) completely unhelpful.

For those who have read this blog in the past, you must be able to tell how up and down things have been for a year.  One blog might be upbeat, two blogs might be rambling messes.  I'm finally starting to understand the chemical components to this disorder and I try not to beat myself up for the way that I behave.  But don't misconstrue that - I beat myself more in a day than any of you could do in a lifetime.  My words are harsher and the scars I leave are deeper than you could ever dream.  The next time you want to roll your eyes at me, save yourself the energy.

 I have such a fondness for the song "Hate Me" by Blue October.  I honestly wish that I had the capacity to do something so hurtful that people walked away, never to look back.  There would be no more frustration, no more tears, no more sadness... just hate me today so I'll stop dragging you down.

But the song that's in my head tonight is "Fly Away" by Poe...

Fly away, sweet bird of prey

Fly, fly away

I won't stand in your way

Sweet bird, if you knew the words

I know that you'd say: fly, fly away

 I suppose it doesn't matter any more.  "Did you hear?  He's in the hospital again."  "Yeah, figures."  People will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and I can't change that.  Though, if ignoring those comments and those people means I'll keep my head on straight, then I guess the choice is pretty easy.  Sad, but easy.